---im still on your side---

2008-05-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

ive moved my personal blog.hehs.
pls do visit my blogshop spreesplash.blogspot (cilckclick).
and let your friends know about it!
spanks (:

2008-02-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

because life finally seems too painful to live.

2008-02-13T05:15:00.000-08:00

sorry. i wrote d post when i was very angry.but i think u misunderstood me. im not asking for any attention from grandparents. DID I MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ATTENTION? it's about how grandpa is being treated. he's not a driver and i do not need him to drive me around for your info. i admit that i don't know much about your family, but what i commented on is what i see with my eyes and what i feel. and i don't think you know much about your own family, needless to say my family. so why question me this way when every family has its own problems. And my family isn't super rich like you've said but are there when grandparents need d doctor at mid-nights and we don't use them.

if you step away and view, ur comments are being very biased,baseless and self-centred. PLUS. i think u have misunderstood me very badly. and ur comments really don't make sense. if u're disappointed reading my blog, let's jus say, im extremely disappointed at urs. and shocked.you're ranting on things i did not even mention about. i dun care about ur bf's money or how u spend it really as long as it doesn't affect us. i don't care that you don't work if that is your way of 'sit back and enjoy the relationship'. i admit that i may be harsh, but don't u think that it doesn't make sense to be a spendthrift when it could do better to help your parents so they could at least pay grandparents? that's all im saying. if you don't like ppl to be bothered in your life, i won't.and im not.

and it isn't two sidedness. i think, these issues are different from issues concerning our relationship or characters hence didnt show it to u cos i still treat u as my best cousin. which is why i still paid for your supper during cny when u came with my friends and i. without you realizing .such a long post to countract my few words. i don't know the purpose. but it's very hurting, especially how u twist my words.

kins are important but never take them for granted. as in, kins should help one another but they are not to be taken for granted. they are too precious.

2008-02-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

hehs. went on a sudden hiatus. didnt meant to take such a long break. budden, ive decided to move my blog add cus it's to my knowledge that a certain person is reading my blog, still. although i think she's has nothing better to do and he was insane to have given her my blog add, i karn help but feel intruded. so dear friends, new blog add shall be revealed soon when it's done with renovations (: loves!

2007-12-04T03:45:00.000-08:00

was working at the asia tv forum. damns tiring. andden now im sick. sorethroat, fever, flu and busy playing catchings with my running nose.

d event was held in shangri-la. basically everyone comes to the forum to sell and buy tv programs and films. it was good exposure, esp. since d level im in charge of is french level (read: an influx of good-looking people). and i gt this really nice bookmark from a goodlooking frenchman. hehs.
except that i didnt have as much fun workings as i had workings in icmat. d icmat bunch of frens are just so different from this bunch of kids i had to work with. quoting yijoons ' they really very bu dong shi and very childish.' which i reallyreally agree. i hope i nevers see them again.

im super angry with an auntie. she 'borrowed' our organ saying she will buy from us if she found it okies after 'testing' it. but she borrowed it for so manymanymany years without any intention of returning it/buying it from us. all these i still can accept.den suddenly her daughter doesn't wana learn anymore, she asked my grandpa to move it back to my house. wths. it's bad enough that u always treat granpa like a driver now u think he is a mover? do u realize how old he is alreadys?senseless.

2007-11-13T23:04:00.000-08:00

i have so many things to say.. i duno where to start.

(1) i karn stand myself for being such a stupid idiot. for taking the wrong step. for making the wrong decision. again.

(2) i hate the questioning stares of people. and i am not a 'school dropout.'

(3) i hate my current floating status. smu don't approve d leave of absence, so if i want a transfer, i have to take the shittes exams in smu knowing that i karn transfer credits for those smu mods. then again, i don't mind entering next academic year, so should i withdraw now and find work? i don't even know if i should enter next academic year cus apparently i've missed quite alot of things..budden i dunwana be laggings another sem.omgs

(4) i've to settle the tfl, the bank side, smu side, nus side. omgsomgs. and i am determined to pay d 4000 over bucks back to my daddy. cus it is my own wrong decision. my own. arghs. why is smu fees so friggin expensive.

(5) there are ALOT of reasons for me wanting leave smu. it's not all that shallow. trust me. i tried very hard. very very hard to try to love the school. i will devote an entire post to why i wana leave smu even. im tired of explaining. i karn stand it when ppl think it's all because of the stress and that i karn adapt. it's not. and it's definitely not d main point. i dislike the system. dislike how a large proportion of our grades are left to chance. dislike being forced to do d many core mods that ive no interest in. dislike not being able to do what i like. dislike looking at ppl fighting to speak just for d sake of class participation..dislike..and really, one have to experience it yourself to understand. im sick of hearing hurtful sweeping remarks.

(6) im actually envious of my frens taking the exams now. im going through d roller coaster, all d trouble.. just to start all over again, knowing fully well i could have been there in d first place.

(7) ive too many people to answer to. and it's not even their education. it's mine.

(8) i don't even know which step to take now.

still, i love my frens. for all d support..reallyreally. all d best for d exams. and i miss u all loads :(

where are u when i needed you..so badly? you promised to be there..but you were never.

2007-11-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

im scared.

2007-11-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

it is 6.53am. ive been up all night. and 242 more words to my last term paper.

ive no idea why im doing this. or maybe i know. that this school office staff was mean and refused our leave of absence. that she dared chuckled into our faces with an evil grin " it means our marketing is successful, and you haven't done enough research." marketing- to bring out the good and hide the bad. the fluff. for ignorant oblivious me. so we have to do the yucky stuffs knowing fully well we'll eventually have no credits for them. like prise said " everything could be solved if we could just throw in the withdrawal form." yet we still have to do them.

okies. my brain isn't working very well. it isn't supposed to when it has been thinking politics. then again, my politics essay is turning into a gp essay. in fact, it doesn't sound political at all. ohwells.

2007-11-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

i feel like bitching. but i shall not.

it jus feels horrid to be lied to and being made to feel used by your close friends. it hurts.

2007-10-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

random things ive been doing (:

muggings with sk. okies. he mugged and i marked my tutee's assessment books. haas. and the table is really like us- full of rubbish (: haas. i still love ur blazer! thought i mks me look like a flasher. haas

soupspoons with kennethloh. and we were in love- with the dark mirrors (:

sakae buffet with prise! d ppl looked down on us and kept warning us about food wastage! haas. so we puuurrrposely must prove them wrong and ate to our hearts' content!

the rose from smu. haas.

the video below from zhende's blog..which i couldn't seem to blog on..is really brilliant! and they're kids! i love the first group best (: awesome really.

ohyahhhs. spanks zhende. (:

2007-10-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

2007-10-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

i managed to survive this week! with quizes, presentation, giving tuitions and wads norts..

after very very very long time of searching, ive decided to transfer to nus. hmms. this week alone, two of my friends withdrew. one fren was saying ' you wonder why the smu population is still here.'

one guy who withdrew from smu accompanied me to visit nus. haas. ( special BIGSPANKS to loveleigh MANDAY! who walked with us from this end to another up and down the hills. and i hardly knew where i was going!hehs). and after d nus trip we had ice-cream at holland v.! (:

hmms. i think i told alot ppl abt. the application lahs. haas. invite competition for myself. budden it's good for those ppl who didn't know what to do. yin chieh even called me her 'en ren.' okies. hahas. im accumulating good karma. (:

im kinda on a floating status. i karn really withdraw from smu cus d application is only for current undergradutes. budden if i dun withdraw i must take the shittes exams. hais. and im still continuing with my projects. jus had another presentation somemore. budden if i take my exams i don't think i'll really be brilliant in them. (esp stats.) ohwells.

eating dim sum with kw and sk can be my hobby (:
retail and food therapy with mr ken. was loveleigh.
my tutee is damn cute. haas.

if only he knows how much he is being missed...

2007-10-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

omgs. i duno how to write d damn essay lahhhs.

and im so dead for stats test. im so dead.

save me :(

2007-10-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

next week ive:

1 test
1 quiz
1 presentation

by next week i need to complete:
1 term paper
1 5 pages essay
3 tutorials

sings. 'i will survive'

2007-10-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

i really should be writing my essay. but d ideas are not flowing and im in no mood for essay-writing ): politics was never my forte.

arggghhhhs. i karn wait to get this over and done with. i need the HOLIDAYS.

2007-10-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

omgs. i hate stats. and i duno why they make me take stats B when i neva took maths in jc. and i karn drop to stats A. yucksyucks. and my whole class of 56 ppl, there's only 2 social sciences people-including me :( im lagging by 4 tutorials :(

haas. was talking to mr. kw korkor. i think he's mad. refusing to go to sleep though he has school at 8.30 and have to wake up at 6 to go to palua..so we talked till 5 plus on the phone. but it was a really good chat :) he makes aircon totally redundant.
me: why u suddenly sound so muffled?
kw: you know why?
me: cus your're on ur bed?
kw: cus i just ate muffins

2007-10-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

ive a love-hate relationship with sundays. knowing that the new week is gona start. cus i hate school. i dun care if i sound like a primary school kid.haas.

im super awed with mr. ken.
he's like suddenly super nice.like i even managed to talk him into watching dance fest. at esplanade. (elks u were awesome reallyreally (: ) before going for dinner. when last time he would have killed me if i made him go anywhere on empty stomach.

and den he pointed at the tallest building in town and said " when i make my first million, i'll bring u up there to celebrate."
and den i said " hmms. dat will be when we're 60?"
hehs. oops.

he was saying he wana execute certain groups if he were to become leader of singapore and den he said "for you.."
me : for me?...
he: for you i will bring u to paradise.
me: (in shock) huhhs. wad paradise?
he: you can go for spas, shoppings, high teas...(and den i wasn't really listening cus i was laughing too hard; budden i caught..)" and at night we go watch operas"
me: huhhs operas? why operas?
he: must be high-class mahs. cannot say movies.
ive a kuku friend.

and he did smth really sweet.
me: why are u sudd. so nice?
he: cus you're already so upset from mon-fri of cos i must make you happy on sunday.

and den he took off to go out with me on mon..im really shocked at d change.

haas (:

2007-10-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

met dearie elks for some loveleigh time at nydc :) after which we went to meet manday and jean! whom i havent seen for a longlong time. and dens dinner with dan at thai express. and queuing for donuts! haas. and he was nice enough to fetch me all d way to changi aiport to pick daddy before going all d way back to boonlay. spanks! i love my frens lahs.

was reading all my previous blog posts in a bid to get away from reality. and i realized how i was watching fireworks with rand last year and mr. c this year. fireworks are special things.

2007-10-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

suddenly i feel that everyone is nicer, more caring, more concern about me than you are.

you make me feel friggin friggin redundant.

don't give empty promises that you never ever fufil.

you suck.

2007-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

wana say a big spanks to all who remembered my birthday..for d prezies and all d loveleigh wishes.

many loves to:
yijoons. clarawong. karwai. sharalene. jean. collin. elks. kaiwei. shurong. nessa. yokey. rach. mabs. peirong. yueting. raymond. kennethloh. edmund. winnie. kitson. joanne. eileen. eileenlee.daniel. rand. krys. tessie. baorong. zhu. ngxin. darren. yeehow. mingxiong. githou. serkheng. luting. fiona. kennethgay. xinni. dayi. sansan. ivan. ness

:)
and manymanymore. sorry if i miss ur name!

okies. so i spent my birthday doing proj but it's okies! cus i had dinner with my dearest parents andddd the next week,
i had a lovely weekend before term break (:

thurs was lunch with rach girl
fri, after 6hrs of devastating stats class, it was off to ps with prise for thai express dinner! it was nice chatting and shoppings with d babe (: then it was off to shurong's house and then chattings and dessert with dearie leehui at coffeebean (:
sat was dinner with dear mr. collinho and then muggings (or d total failure of trying to mug) with kaiwei and serkheng at kaiwei's house (his dogs love to lick my legs!) haas.
sun was lovely dinner and chillax at tcc art gallery with sym peeps.

and i will be a happy girl :)

2007-10-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

carrying 12 boxes of donuts on crowded trains and going to somewhere pulau is not a funny thing. luckily dan came to pick me frm boonlay. spanks.

i think i did an awfully stupid thing on his birthday. i went all d way to ntu, with 12 boxes of donuts (okies. not just for him lahs) without telling him cus i meant it as a surprise. then it turned out that he had a bball match so i didn't get to see him and went to meet his roomie to pass to him d loveleigh prezie and donuts instead.
second stupid thing, when dan asked me to eat with him and his frens i didn't but went with rach to help her find her other frens. in the end, on their way to dinner, they met him. ohmanns.
third stupid thing, i went ikea to eat when i should have stayed in ntu cus he finished his bball and wanted to fetch me.

ohwells. d surprise didn't quite work out. but i got to give donuts to dearies.

he treated me to jap restaurant for my bdae. but..i mean..it's jus money. then again, who am i to complain. at least we bth like jap food.

i think we're really just frens now. as in..the sudden change in attitudes is too obvious. maybe i shldnt have said what i've said..and i karn prevent him from reading wrongly.ohwells.

i jus dropped a core mod. i think im really very sudden. i don't know what i was thinking.

2007-09-30T02:28:00.000-07:00

the political science presentation is giving a BIG FAT headache. i hate politics lahhs. ive been like failing my politics quizes. and i karn afford to fail anymore. but im seriously doubting my aptitude and my love for the arts.

i need a break and so here i am.
actually been taking too many breaks..reading blogs and watching dance videos.

so many things waiting to be done.
shittes.

im supposed to write critiques on two essays that evaluate some intelligent people's argument on topics such as 'famine, morality and affluence' and i have no idea wths one girl is writing about. her essay is totally incoherent. im sorry to say.but it really makes things alot more difficult. ohwells. at least the other essay is quite good.

and there creative presentation in d same wk. plus stats quiz plus stats tutorials plusplusplus. ohmanns. it's neva gona end.

i hate the way class participation works in smu.

im very tempted to give up. and no matter how many times i remind myself to just try my best.it's never enough. and ive broke down too many times this week already.

this is too draining.

2007-09-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

it's my birthday!

imma gona spending it doing projects. arghs. so many things due next week. ohmannsohmanns.

he wished me at 12.19 am. somehow his msg upsets me.

i think we've become just friends and strictly at that. maybe it's better that way.ohwells.

2007-09-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

i think im infinitely stressed.
another of my friend is withdrawing from smu.
damn sadds.

there's smth wrong with us. somehow i said smth wrong. i think.
this is d first week in very very long..hmms. ever since we knew each other.. that we never go out together.
and our msgs have since become shorter and shorter and shorter.

i duno wads wrong.
everything is going wrong.

2007-09-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

im drowning in projects, quizzes, assignments, tutorials and readings.

school is really depressing.

2007-09-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

havent blogged for so long such that i duno where to start.

daddy jus went to japan this morning. although it's for work. he's a lucky pig. cus i wana go japan too. school is just sad.
i ordered macs breakfast delivery for the first time. binge-ing mood.

eating macs breakfast reminds of how kaiwei, serkheng and i would go for suppers. how kw and i would end up at ecp's macs breakfast every so often and after which we'll walk at ecp just talking and relaxing.

i miss my friends.badly.
school is really really very bad. really very depressing.

my life basically revolves around projects. every free slot i have is taken up by projects and more projects. and then there's assignments, tutorials, quizzes, endless, endless of them. i feel drained. very drained. im in school for project even on saturday and sunday. that sucks. class partcipation sucks. it jus makes ppl very very fake, mks d seminars very disruptive, mks ppl overly-stressed. and i need sleep.

d branding is over-rated. overly -hyped. and the place is actually not great AT ALL. besides d fact that we pay lotsa school fees in exchange for escalators, lifts, aircons and security guards, it's a depressing place lahs. and a good fren of mine just withdrew this week. and more friends thinking of quiting. and im jus hanging hanging onto dear life.

one week seems to last forever. and d weekends never seems to come early.

d only thing that makes me lasts thru the week is d thought of meeting him in d weekends and his msgs everyday. somehow, we've d silent promise that we'll meet each other every week. no matter how we're drowning in quizzes and projects. even if it means meeting at 1150pm after project and going home at uncivilised hrs. even if it's just spending time talking to each other.

sometimes, i wish i can just wrap myself in his arms and the next schoolday would never come.

on a happier note. i met dearie elks by chance after sch on friday! :) it was really loveleigh hanging out with the babe. and funny as usual :) after which sk and i went to get rach's prezie after being ps-ed by kw. and we got her a really really loveleigh laptop bag! after which we jus kept chatting abt random stuffs. wanted to get cakes at cartel and instead saw elks, pamteo,yokey,jean and hsinching at cartel. crazy girls screaming my name! :) i miss d 35ers lahs.

i dunwana go school lahs.

2007-07-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

have been busy with this conference in the suntec convention centre. it's like an international conference for materials engi. and there were thousands delegates from all over the world. and i had the glam job of standing behind d reception counters from as early as 7am.

budden. i met lotsa lotsa loveleigh new friends. really. :D

on the last day of work i worked an amazing 16hrs. budden it was quite ohgayys. cus i sneaked up to have buffet for lunch (such a pity cus i only gota eat one day of buffet while d guys had it like everyday!) :pP. so edmund, teck , chinying and me were piggy-ing at lunchtime. den after reception closed we had time to wander about before d banquet. then we hada to spilt up to do d show-them-the-way-to-pan-pac thingie for d banquet. and i suay suay got d spot dat mks me run after people and in non-aircon! so i was really damn hot by d time d banquet starts. and den we gota eat pan-pac hotel's food while being paid : )

so some kuku things:

1. this american prof. made me repeat everything which i had explained when he clearly understood cus i spoke english, and he is well, an american!then he looked at me really seductively (not bad eyes actually!) and told me smth which i didnt hear cus i was busy seeing what went wrong with his eyes. den my partner pushed d confernce kit to him and told him to go away. he said the prof asked if ive time for him! not a good shot when ive slept less than 2 hrs! uhhuhhs.

2. a japanese refused to move from my counter until my superior came and talked to him.

3. i was made to go onto the podium to speak to hundreds of ppl at pan pac. and i recieved applause. haas. for making announcements! : )

i think my conference friend has honeyed mouth (:

Geoff~ says:no matter who ur bf is haha u are also too beautiful for anyone le hee

2007-06-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

yayness. my net's connection is finally up!

had a brilliant last week enjoying this unemployment-ness. not doing good to my savings. but wells. am loving it! :D

sat: met up with yijun, rayna and kennethloh at orchard.we wandered about abit before landing ourselves at pepper lunch cus yijun and rayna wanted to try. was abit of loveleigh chit chating. and then we wanted to watch shrek3 budden everything was sold out and we didnt wana cab home so we opted out of night-night movie and went CANELE instead. and omg. i had d loveleigh-est french chocolate cake ever. quoting yijoons: "the darkchoco cake pammie ordered was absolutely goooooooooooooooooooooooood. i love how its warm on the inside, i swear if i were standing up when i tasted, i would immediately go weak in the knees. THAT IS HOW HEAVENLY IT TASTES LIKE. :0 " - so THAT was my piece of heaven =D

sun: cheapo ktv with kaiwei, serkheng, yueting, wenwei and candy. kw was being a loveleigh korkor cus i had to wait for my parents to be back from d doc's and was gona be late so he came to my house and cabbed down with me : ) thankewyou! after the singing-session, kw sent me to meet my family and grannies at ichiban boshi to celebrate fathers' day. and i introduced my family to yami yogurt. haas. mummy loved it! good for my sista cus her forever-cravings for anderson ice cream isn't doing good to her weight!

mon: went to register for driving with raymond. finally. haas. and then we went down to tcc for chat-over-drinks, which was loveleigh : ) and then i headed down to toa payoh.

tues: bloated-eyes day.

wed: went down to nus for a briefing for the job imma gona work in soon.and zhongzheng was there to greet me at d entrance. he's like frggin funny! and nice lahs! : ) so it's this international conference for materials engineering organised by nus. and my working hours is horrible. cus i start work at like 7am. omg. and im really not a morning person. and ive to work on sunday. and some days i work 7am-11pm. welldone. i'll see how i juggle 4 tuitions and this kinda working hours. wells. nothing is for free. time i glue back some damage done to my savings. after briefing, i went to chill out at rong's house.

thurs: met yijun and kennethloh at amkhub. yijun had to leave after a while.but not before she introduced me to mrbean icecream. which was really awesome and addictive! : ) after which kenneth and i went on like a sinful food-hunting mission. =D uhhuhhs. then it was sentosa with kaiwei, serkheng and kaiwei's friend, ivan. kinda nice just chilling out and walking about. would be nicer without the meanacing mozzies! :D and then it was prata stall time when i was being termed china girl the whole time! sadness.

fri: was tuition. and den out with besties shurong, peirong, krys and xinyi to celebrate krys and xy's bdae at aijtei. it's always so loveleigh being out with them : ) oh..and we watch fantastic4..which was only so-so. yupyupps.

and den i sorta rotted abit, trying to clear my room for some days.

tues: went to the gym with leehui. it was kinda nice in the gym cus we had d whole gym to ourselves. hahahas. loveleigh. so we could like tryout everything and look stupid without caring. then off to bugis for lunch where i met elks! we were supposed to meet at cityhall after that. haas. and off we go for gelare waffles. yummmms. and we saw the most 'judgemental' (quoting elks) baby ever! she looks like this:

and was perpetually scrowling at me and elks. from elks-me-elks-me and i was like 'elks. she's scrowling at you!' and we just burst out again. cus the face is hilarious really really! like some cartoon-baby. haas. then we went to splurge at espirit. awfully sinful. haas. then chilled out at starbucks before reggae. and reggae was really fun! : ) den i brought dearie husband/ wife/boy-flen elks to miss clarity cafe. the main courses was really yummy! and the chocolate mud ooze, brilliant! =D

ohgayys. starting work tomorrow and gona live a life-less life for a little little while. seechewsall :)

2007-06-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

the big groove was BRILLIANT! =D
(and dearie elks's bf, ben was really good. his solo-woah. bet u're so proud of him babe! (: )

so after the concert, me and my rightfully acclaimed pseudo-husband ( who walked down the pandang aisle with me.hehs.) went walking abt. from cityhall-bugis-dhobyghaut-bugis. what were we doing manns. and that babe was laughing along d roads. at me!haas. actually, luckily, both of us can't drive. haas. cannot imagine us breaking out in giggles now and then while driving.(isn't a romantic walk better? :Pp) ohohoh. and we paid a visit to my future school. trying to get past the security by acting like ghostly-like figures on the energy-saving escalators. hehs. we shall study together next time babe! and more dance! =D

karn wait for the week to start cus i'd be catching up with my mates! yayness =D

signing off with much love! : )

2007-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

]The Khaki Eskimo[ loves Milk! 说:i'll come up with a.. 'flairish' flavor
]The Khaki Eskimo[ loves Milk! 说:just for you
]The Khaki Eskimo[ loves Milk! 说:Amaretto based, laced with a tinge of Kahlua to bring out it's sweetness, then topping it off with a nice, freshly made wafer and a nice dazzle of white chocolate

wahs. it jus sounds so loveleigh. =D

2007-06-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

ive decided that imma gona live my life loveleigh-ly and dandily. (and i wasnt self-pitying, mr emoboy. it was jus that im in a everything-is-going-wrong, exasperated mood.bleahhs. )

ive decided

- so what if my handphone is spoilt?makes way for new one. haas.
- and at least, at least. i'll be gettting a new ezlink card soon. haas. when i make the tertiary pass thingie ( and i'll make sure i give a nicer picture this time =D)
- and ive like give up on wanting to work cus ive found out that ive lotsa things i wana do and lotsa people i wana catch up with. and life isnt all about money. at least, it shouldn't be the case now. and imma gona work with zhongzheng on this conference thingie in july. so i guess it'll be ohgayys.
- im fine and hoping about now.
- it's ohgayys to be uglier than usual now and then :Pp
- am too used to people saying my choice is dumb. doesn't matter anymore. haas.

*

ive jus got the take the lead soundtracks, coutesy of yeehow, and they're BRILLIANT. reallyreally. have been wanting them since i watch d movie with d 35ers. hmms. LAST YEAR. haas.

*

dear leehui is making me learn yoga at enous cc. shall make her learn slasa. whheee! karn waitkarnwait. and immagona learn driving with raymond. soon. haas. when we get our butts down to d driving centre one day.

*

ohgayys. the big groove tmr! hopefully it'll be as nice as burn the floor =D

2007-06-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

ive been really REALLY down on my luck.

- my hanphone is spoilt. and it karn be repaired cus my handphone isnt bought from singapore. hais. and sk reminded me that it's very difficult to contact me.
- my ez-link card is lost. together with money inside. together with my lucky charm. together with my precious thots holder which i liked and they're no longer selling.
- ive never been rejected for job inteviews before. but now it's over and over again. cus nobody wana employ someone who can work less than 3 months. hais. money-pls drop down from d sky.
-a hug blue-black + a twisted ankle
- pimples erupting from my face like they've never before. it's like im just beginning to have puberty at nineteen. sadness.
-serious inferiority complex.
-everyone kept reminding how dumb my choice is. i know it isnt really their business. but im starting to feel like it's really dumb. and wrong.

i jus wana hibernate suddenly. haas.

*

James 说:
see. we r right abt u. ur husband will be very fortunate.

i feel like saying 'ritess' cus i really don't know what made them think so. but i said 'thankyou' instead.

*

iyas. i need a BIG FAT shell.

2007-06-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

mans. am hoping fervently that i didn't make the wrong choice.

*

got woken up by rand's msg today. hais. it's jus so weird.

*

a part of me is yearning for Time-for-Myself. and another part of me just wana keep hanging out, partying, and a little more. confusing and contradicting.

*

am joblessgirl.com at last. 5 months of working coupled with late-night escapades-from-work has brought about eyebags, horrid skin and not-so-fine lines. haas. so now, ive embarked on a healthy living plan. (which was supposedly to have started) but it has since been a flop. my plans to go exercising turns out to be more supper trips. and why am i not surprised. lazy me. am kinda glad to be out of the hypocritical and bitchy office. they say environment shapes a person and that place is making me kinda a sadgirl.com such that ive accute monday blues and am always dragging my feet to work. then again, i now put myself in a situation of Financial-Crisis. especially with the GSS and 'sale!' screaming from every corner. hehs.

*

i thought one of my close friend is attached after reading his blog. and after questioning him for not informing me of his attached status ( what are friends for?haas. ) he said that his bmt mates 'know that im attached to you'. wahhs. since when am i attached and i didn't know abt it. really very funny can.

*

i walked from geylang all the way home with kw after pirates3 . cus i was guiltygirl.com after another supper. it should be put under pam's-book-of-records. haas.

*

i know ive alot of things to write about. but suddenly i karn put them into words.

*

Boy, no matter what we go through
You step up I'll step up too
It don't matter what the haters say
As long as you are my boo
And no matter how hard it gets
This love will have no regrets
As long as when we steppin on the dancefloor
It's me and you

2007-05-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

everyone's been asking me abt uni. and people have been telling me all sorts of things. so confused.

similar to yj, im torn. between-

PAY: ntu's mass comm
PASSION: nus's fass
CONVENIENCE: smu's social sciences

to quote raymond : ' be more decisive leh. you don't have much time left'

hais. i dont even know what i really want anymore.
suddenly im so afraid..cus im so afraid of making the wrong choice. again. and this kind of mistakes, are not for me to learn from them. but i'd be forced to live with them..

*

today, in the morning rush hour, when i had nothing to hold on to, i nearly had a fall. but this guy used his feet to support me from behind so that i stepped on his looks-really-expensive-leather-boots instead of falling. when i looked up to say sorry, he gave me a everything-is-ok and today-is-going-to-be-such-a-fine-day smile. ohmanns. smrt should let such ppl travel for free and infused the trains with people like that, instead of disgusting old men. bleahhs.hehs.

*

sj, heys, ive been wanting to tell you..but..i don't really know how to say it..which is why i karn really tell you personally, properly, in words..
im really glad u're getting teeny weeny bit better. cus if you get a teeny weeny bit better everyday, hopefully you're be the sj that i'd know again, pretty soon ( though you still continue to make fun of me :pP). i got so sad when you came to me saying you hate life..cus ive never seen you so soft before..and i can just feel your pain. reallyreally. cus i was just like you, not long ago.. maybe im not good at comforting you..i don't know if i helped at all. but i seriously meant it when i say: she not worth it. reallyreally. and please not get upset over her anymore kes? cus you and i both know, time will make it better. and i'll be here to throw stones or lava or whatever you want, if you need to, kes? -loves-

*

happy birthday daddy. i love you~ thankyou for being my pillar of support for years and years. you're always there to support my decisions. wrong or right, smart or plain dumb, impossible or realistic.for waking up years and years at 6am just to fetch me to school. i know you show your love and concern in different ways but im so glad to have you. : )

2007-05-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

wahhs. im frigging angry that im abt. to explode lahhs.

it was raining early in the morn and i missed the train and had to wait 7mins. so when the train comes..it was super crowded. and this old man had to squeeze in behind me. wahhs. he used his whole body to lean against me although there's space in front of him and in front of him were all guys. i could feel his whole body's weight on me lahs. yuckks. he squashed me to the other side so that ive no space to move and when i finally managed to turn myself away from him so that only my side faces him, he intentionally put his hands on my lower back! yucckkks. i kept elbowing him and was friggin pissed. i could have slapped him if not for d fact that there were so many people. damn him. such old men is really..arghs. downright disgusting. i feel that i need to go home and change out of my clothes.

it's not the first time already can. last time, on my way to cchms, on a crowded bus, this old man also kept touching me and outrightly kept putting his arms over my shoulders. and he dared to continue putting it there no matter how many times i shoved it off. and the passengers around did nothing! that was so bad that i cried.

and another time, near my housing estate, someone came and openly lifted my school skirt. i was so angry i chased him around the estate but lost him cus i was standing there in shocked at first.

arghs. disgusting. disgusting. so friggin angry.

2007-05-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

it's always my fault huhs. always will be. im sick and tired of it. sick of being so loseur-ish. and once i cry, i knew ive lost.again. friggin stupid.arghs.

*

dance was damn therapeutic. i needed it.so badly.

2007-05-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

mummy's serketly happy with the bag i bought for her. she's been wanting a white bag since forevas. and my white bag was spoilt by some mystery person.

*

everyone's overseas.

bored.
daddy is overseas.
aunt who works with me is overseas. (cus i told her abt d 60bucks singaporeairtickets)

yayness.
boss is going overseas.
big boss is going overseas.

wahhs. looking at everyone's holidays' pictures makes me wana go travel alotalot.
feel like going japan in july.budden it would be summer. and i needa see the autumn leaves lahs.

2007-05-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

monday blues. already.
i dread going to work. so much.so much.

*

i feel so so dumb. and i dont know how i can help myself.

*

elks stole my heart, waking me up at 12am-ish and we chatted like some auntehs. loveyatobits babe : )

*

i need an outlet.badly.but i can never put it into words.

2007-05-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

all wrong.

2007-05-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

i heard this very sweet story on the radio the other day and it has been on my mind ever since.

a couple was about to get married, standing on the aisle, both young and good-looking, awaiting to say their marriage vows.

the priest, surprisingly, instead, took out a 100 dollar bill. and he asked " would anyone in the audience like to have this bill as his own?"

nobody dared to raise his hands.

and so he said " don't be shy. please be truthful"

and a few dozens hands went up.

then the priest crushed the bil with his hands and asked again " would anyone still like to have the bill?"

this time, only abt a dozen hands went up.

then, shockingly, the priest left the bill on the ground and started stamping his feet on it. and asked again " would anyone still like to have the bill?"

this time only a few hands went up.

the priest pointed out one guy whose hand went up on all three occassions.

he solemnly said " this man is praise-worthy as he knows that the value of the bill would never change, no matter how crushed or dirtied it might be. a 100 dollar bill would be a 100 dollar bill" and then he turned to the grooom " similarly, your wife would always be your wife. the lady whom you've chosen and promised to love, no matter how old she might become years down the road. she'd always be the one you made your promises to"

*

and i thought, how sweet. it's true how often we'd forget the value of things(or people) once we have them. and not treasure them enough. sometimes, we take too much for granted. It's one of those little notes in life that we know, but tend to forget.
little but important note.

2007-05-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

goit from yijooonns. karn believe it. wild cat. haas.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-05-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

am very lost.

this is so not me. i always thought i knew what i wanted. i was the eldest child and was brought up to be independent. i always made d decisions. sometimes, i do make the wrong ones. only that now, ive no idea what to decide on.

i dont know if i should go to this course just cus it's competitive and i had a worrying time wondering if i passed d interview, or go into this uni cus everyone is urging me to go, saying that it's career-wise choice or into this other uni cus it simply allows me to take d subjects i like.

i karn bear to even think. cus this wrong step. another wrong step. and i may regret it for the next three, four years and maybe down my whole career path.

*

i hate my office. there are not many things i hate in this world. but i really hate my office. cus it's scary. it's bitchily scary. hypocritically scary. i detest it. but ive bills to pay, lessons to go for, my family to think about. i can't afford to suddenly go penniless because i decide throw in the towel and scream 'i quit'. because things aren't that easy anymore.

so this colleague has been trying to be difficult with me. not telling me things that d boss told her to tell me so that it becomes my fault when things are not done. keeping original copies of documents so that ive to give the boss d faxed copies and being told off later when she gave d boss d originals. and d office is really a bitchy place. this person dont like this person, that person don't like that person. so much so that i don't know who to trust anymore. and im being told 'never to trust anyone. never trust the suppliers' while i used to believe ' trust a person until he makes you lose the trust you have in him'. i hate working in that kind of environment. i feel very stifled. you understand? i feel like every step i take, i may unknowingly step onto a landmine. cus everything i do, is never right. i feel like it's making me lose my beliefs, making me cynical.

*

and the last thing i need when i reach home is to enter a warzone. let her be if she doesnt wana study. does shooting words at one another help? does it make her understand, does it make d home a happier place? does it?

*

you know, a mutual friend once told me you're the kind that will vent ur anger on others while i will jus vent d anger on myself. these few days, ive found your ever-changing moods increasingly difficult to accept. and it doesnt help that everyone keeps asking me to take care of you. it's like im responsible for you. you know i do care for u alot, as a fren, just like you do care for me. so much so that we lament sometimes that we're like lesbians and you laugh about how much i sound like your boyfriend. but i jus don't like it when they KEEP asking me to take care of you. because even if i they don't tell me to, i will. and you know i hate it when people tells me what to do. and i dont know how when at work, someone has just been really horrid to me and i just feel like exploding and im being told to take care of you at the same time, onmsn. because maybe i may look 10 times stronger, but i maybe deep inside i need a wonderwall after all? and i karn pour my troubles to you like i used to because things have changed. i tried telling you that but you just passed it off with 'siao' .and you have your troubles to trouble over. i tried to help you but you feel that i dont understand. maybe i really karn see it the way you do. i dont know how. and today, you dont know how hurt i was can. i think you didn't realize.

*

if i didnt hear wrong, you said 'hello love' over d phone d other day. im not your love anymore you getit? and you've shown me how easy it is to forget about about me. i don't care how you speak to other girls. you cant call me your love. just not me okies?

*

a person is making me very stressed and i don't know who to tell him. ahhs.

*

clara jus told me recently that she wished she'd have half of d happiness in me. and jake told me how seeing me gives a postive spin to his day. and james told me how i always look very happy. i wonder what makes them think im so happy. if i look so happy, i supposedly have d ability to make myself happy? can i have the ability now? please?

*

im feeling friggin ugly

2007-04-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

am feeling an immense immense sense of emptiness. i haven't been feeling so for a long long time. i feel that something is critically lacking, missing. something i can't fathom and cannot grasp. hais.

*

i think i needa open my eyes bigger. people have been telling me they saw on on the trains..jus last week there were a few..raymond..sijie..but ive never been able to spot people! so sijie had a nice time laughing at me. ohgayyslohs.

2007-04-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

2007-04-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

awwsmans.

i think i was too spoilt at symantec. not work wise..cus i still have my own work to do and everyone is busy there..but there, i was surrounded by friends who cared so much.

1. when i was sick, raymond bought me lozenges and left it on my table sekerletly one day afterlunch.
2. they mk sure im home safe and sound when i go out with them at night (kw wont even let me nt sms him though it was just a matter of going up the lift)
3. when ive no time to lunch, they bought food and drinks without me asking to.
4. I had a brilliant alarm clock that calls me to wake me up in the mornings.
5. Ive msges left sekerletly in my bag to ask me to cheer up when i was feeling down.
6. when im overly stressed, i would be drowned with tibits (i miss tl's and ken's happy-pretzels!) till i forgot abt my stress.

mans. all the laughter we've been through, 16hrs together at days sometimes. even breakfast, lunch and dinner was in sysmantec. the compaints we had to one another abt. work. the fun we had. the nonsense we talked abt. awwsmans. i dont think i'll every get such awesome colleagues again. it'll never be the same.

today, i was so pissed cus work was kept being thrown at me. and it's all the nitty gritty stuffs that is getting on my nerves. at first, i felt okies doing them. but they're so difficult to follow up!
and im okies with work thrown at me. im NOT okies when she throws work at me without telling me anything. if you karn bother to explain, i karn bother to do. i mean, do u think i could read your mind when i dont even know a single thing abt. the project? arghs.

and feel like a maid cum secretary. the guys at symantec would never ever make me go and buy food for THEM (nt for myself) with my PENGUIN WALK. and i was also tld to go to the new office, to tk the measurements and draw the floor plan with my PENGUIN WALK. i refused and said i'll go the next day. im nt gona tumble my way there can. do i even look like a technician that can draw floor plans, look at cable and phone and power points? pls. i hate anything technical. and i even tld her that already. it's bad enough that she puts me fully in charge of the renovations. and now these. and she says nobody is free to do all these. hello. hire a better contractor. if not why can some ppl sit at their desk surf net and others plan their personal holiday? u tell me that is being TOO busy. i tell u. it's really shittes lahhs.

really, my aunt is my only form of moral support here if not i'll really scream 'IQUIT!' . manns. and i really yearn to do that every morn when i wake up. at least my aunt bothers explaining the work she gives to me and dont treat me like a maid.

i really miss them. reallyreallyreally...

2007-04-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

i knew ytd wasnt my day can.

firstly, when i squeezed up the crowded mrt in the morn, a zillion people stepped on my feet and pushed me around.

then i was given more work than usual at my workplace.

then i started to have a pounding headache.

my boss says i look damn pale. and i was really feeling feverish.

then i pulled a muscle when dancing.

and when i was at lagoon with yueting, kaiwei, serkheng, wenwei, mingxiong, janis, her bf, kaini and bernard, a BIG swarmp of flying cockroaches decided to surround us. and mannns. im damn damn afraid of cockroaches can. and flying ones for that matter. ewwwws. and one of them decided to land on my neck. omgs. i just freaked out can.

and then, i gt a lousypok bike during late night cycling and that lousypok bike together with my threethousand years rusty lousypok bike skills made me fell on all fours on a road surface. mannns. mx described me as 'dancing in the air'. think bernard saw the whole thing and knew it was my bike that made me fell. so now im walking like a penguin. no kiddings.

and then on the way home, kw tried to help me find medication at d sevenelevens.sosweets. he karn believe that they dont sell general medication for bruises and cuts. neither did i. but it's not my day : (

so today, i dragged my penguin feet to celebrate my mum's bdae at amara hotel cus i haven't been spending time with them for quite awhilees. and dad had to find d hotel in which the restaurant is nearest to the entrance. sosweets.

and im reallyreallyreally sorry for all the appointments that i cant make it. :( sorry...

ohohohs. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDAY!! :) -huggggggsss-

2007-04-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

the six of us, on the breakwater. with a thousands tiny stars above. the endless nightsky lined with pretty puffs of clouds. our chatters sent acrossed by the lovely, light sea breeze. us, in our little world. as if only we existed on that little piece of stone land.
i wished the night never ended.

i love them. yt,rach,kw,sk,mx :)

*

i finally satisfied my cravings for buttermilk biscuits at the airport. thankewyou! haas. my korkor is gona spoil me.

*

you know you've been working too hard, too much. when you start typing ur laptop's password for every kind of passwords. and when you get nightmares on reports.

*

i'd love to fly away.

*

my korkor is d greatest uncle agony :) hehs.

*

ns is robbing away my friends.

*

for dreams are merely just dreams.

2007-04-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

ive never been in such a bad mood. i just feel like taking endless long walks and screaming into the big sea.

thankewyou kw and sk for taking me out at 2am. the sea and laughter did wonders.
the lovely wind beating around. hair on the face, driving down the long roads to the airport.
the tiny sea breeze. the run to fill our tummies. the messy breakfast table.
the childish desires. the moon and stars and music in our ears.
i'll do it all over again.

2007-03-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

im so stressed i think i'll just explode into tiny little pieces.

ytd. R said that im his 'kaixinguo' :)

2007-03-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

this week. is like symantec week.

the group suddenly have an aching desire to play basketball. serkheng msged me on monday and told me to bring my bball gear. i thought he was just joking but on wednesday the group of us really headed down to sk's house for bball. and i was one part of the lala team.

on thurs, me and jiahui sorta dragged everyone down to kbox at marina. it's so coincidental that the whole osg team perm staff were going there too for a farewell gathering. jiahui, yongfa, malee and i took clara's car and on the way there we met kenneth's car on the road and it was all so kuku cus they started making handsigns at one another(ppl in clara's car and ppl in kenneth's car) and tried to knock each other's car. i would love to have such cheeky and freefeeling fun all over again.

and kbox was really fun. our room had the brilliant temp grp that i hang out with like wenwei, kaiwei, serkheng, kaiwei, jiahui, yueting and rach. the guys kept singing all the funny songs and i laughed till i cried and was cringing with tummy pain. and i was saboed by my dearest friends to sing the girly act cute songs. oh. and kaiwei can really sing! mans. i feel so unworthy to be his choir junior. haas.

after which we took kaiwei's car home. after dropping wenwei and yueting off, kaiwei and i waited for serkheng at d carpark cus he went seveneleven. we had a nice little talk in the car while waiting. i karn really remembered what we talked abt..but it was very comforting. i think he can be my counsellor. haas.

on friday it was the company's dinner and dance at gotham penthouse. i was waiting for raymond till i gave up cus my tummy was rambling and wenwei was urging me to go up. hehs. budden i felt kinda bad. esp. since he's not sure of d way and i couldn't hear his call latas on. food was ohgays. we had free flow of all drinks and alcohol. as it was free flow of all alcohol, you could really see all kinds of funny things happening, and my friends around me got tipsy, giddy and too high. i think i was one the more ohgays-feeling girl cus i had quite little to drink.

after that, the club was opened to the public. and there was this striptease dance by foreign guys who were supposedly hot. i admit their dancing was great but i wasn't a bit turned on. and at some pts, yueting and i actually found it funny. and when they eventually showed the condoms and ripped opened their jeans, i didn't feel high at all. haas. not even when the hottest guy danced till his g-string was all to be seen. all the time i jus wished for them to stop and the screaming girls in the front rows to vanish from the dance floor so that i could dance.

it was a night when it confirms my thinking that symantec guys are damn gentlemen.
1. raymond refuses to let me drink when playing the fist game. says he'll help me drink up my share of beer when i have to.
2. bernard was my bag protector the whole night and even hug my bag though it was a girl's bag and he was a big guy.
3. after i brought raymond to find an atm, he insited on bringing me back but i refused to let him bring me up cus he was damn late. and wenwei called as soon as raymond left me. ww made sure he brought me up to the club and made sure i know where the group is and everything before he left the club again.
4. i stayed back to dance cus wl wanted to. and she was saying nobody wants to dance with her and i was kinda worried cus she's too tipsy and high. so jirong, wl,me and yf stayed back. lets just say some unhappy things happened. and i was so worried for the some girls who were still around cus they were like drunk and behaving weirdly.luckily mingxiong and malee came back for me.
5. all along the guys, rach and yt, malee and clara were waiting for me at the bridge. and i asked yt if she tld them i could tk care of myself rather well and she went ' you know how protective symantec guys are.'
they made me feel like a princess.

we went on two cars and i was on kaiwei's. after fetching wenwei, yt and faye home, kaiwei and i waited for serkheng at d same carpark and he talked me through my unhappy experience. he really has this comforting aura. and then the three of us left for rochor douhua. and then we met up with clara and her friend for pool. and then we went macs for supper and some chitchats. and i jus ended up flinging myself on the bed when i got home.

2007-02-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

i like my new workplace! :)
1. there are more ppl here. much more.
2. the vending machine has all sorts of can drinks at 40cents.
3. the dispenser machine has all kinds of drinks for free.
4. d water dispenser has hot water.
5. endless teabags (okies. i sound like some aunteh)
6. the guys here are generally DAMN gentlemen.
7. i get hongbao and two oranges from the company

budden. they moved me from the pacific region to the asianorth region. which made me cried cus:
1. my boss is changed and ive heard lotsa (hmms) things abt my new boss
2. they moved me from a lively and fun room- i love the ppl in the room ALOT and there is always food-sharing and lotsa laughter- to the next room. that made me very very sad :(
3. the team leader of pacific region, kenneth, is very charismatic and a very awesome guy and im closest to the ppl in the pacific region :(

so, that day when they moved me, i was tugging ww's sleeves when they were moving my desktop and i jus started crying..hais. but the guys are very efficient..my previous boss asked for one guy to help me and *boom. ww, mx and yf were so fast that when i came back frm the washroom with rach and yt, my desktop was at the windows screen at my new place already.

chinese new year is really a pain. i tried to be sweet and nice but after answering questions like:
1. what are your plans?
2. what course do you intend to take?
3. what are you doing now? oh. where do you work?
4. do you have a boyfriend?

tens of times a day, i get really irritated. and yes. ive a big fat family and a load of relatives.

the only happy happy thing is, i won 12 bucks from black jack. hahas.

too many dinner outings with frens and cny late nights. im turning into an old lady.

and im erupting in pimples. arghs.

last friday was really a free-treat day.
1. i went sushi tei with some colleagues and it was s'pposed to be on personal budget..budden. boss decides to be really nice :)
2. i went out with ivan and his mum is so sweet to treat me at v8 cafe.
3. ivan paid for more than half of my dessert at tcc. yuummms. thankewyou :)

2007-02-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

whee. i jus came back from cruise. with sunburns and skin peeling.

it was omygosh. FRIGGIN fun. and it's nice being pseudo taitai once in a while. the weather was great. cloudy and DAMN windy. and d food was yummy yummy yummy! we ate like six meals a day! we should. since we paid so much!

photos of cruise up soon!! :)

im no longer working in the office at bugis cus d lady i was replacing wants to back earlier from her maternity leave. but imma gona join yt and erjie working at a company in paya lebar. ehhs. but anyone is welcome to date me out still. THE FRENCH STALL? elks, mabel, manday?

ive got my pay cheque the day i arrived back from cruise. 1280bucks for 19andhalfdays of work. not bad ehs. for all d shits ive been through i deserve it. hahas.

i gt a call from ivan jus when i was abt to board the cruise from tekong! he was asking for a washing machine! hahas. he was so sweet though 'cus i miss you pamela darling!' awws. dun fall sick again!

okes. elks! how abt dance class on d 12feb ehs? u can only mk it on mon?

okes. busybusy week ahead. lotsa meals with friends!whee! :)

2007-01-25T13:34:00.001-08:00

it's lunchtime and im all alone in d office cus d girls colleagues have gone shopping at bugis village and d guys colleagues have gone shopping TOO. hahs. i karn believe it. they've been shopping so much. they say cus cny is coming. but it's like never-ending shopping! and d reason im acting like a lonely-little-girl@hotmail is cus im damn BROKE. (ivan, where's my much needed loan harhars?) hahs.

i think i'll hide at home on vday. that'll be a nice little plan.

oh. and ive to rave abt the french stall dat clara,herbf, nessa, ivan, suxin and me went to. it's non-aircon. but omygosh. d main courses are heavenly and at very reasonable prices too :) hahs. im going there again!

2007-01-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

i feel so horrid that i jus wana plop down on my officedesk and cry.

and that would really be loseur-rish wouldn't it?

so i shall continue working and working and working.

2007-01-14T02:32:00.001-08:00

okies. it's 14 days into january and ive not done any concluding-the-year posts nor update my blog. hahs. it's been like growing cobwebs.

so actually ive nothing much to say about the transition from 2006 to 2007 but ppl like ivan thinks it's obligatory to write a concluding post. hahas. so here goes.

im thankful to be blessed with a bunch of loveleigh friends really really. year 06 hasn't been a brilliant year for me..i had my lows and my lowest lowest esp. during the breakup+prelims period, i thought i was really gona collapse.if not for the support of my loveleigh friends.
so lotsa thankewyous going out to..
bestest fren yueting.
d craziest buds sr,krys,pr and ngxin.
mugging bud kennethloh.
dajia and erjie.
closest frens like leehui,san and lt.
brilliant classmates like manday,nessa,elks,jean,ivan,mab who really showed how much they cared.
and many manny other frens who's been with me like para, sijie,yijun,vic..
i can't say enough, but thankew. you know i love you :)

and if i left out ur name, it doesn't mean u don't matter to me, i hold my friends close to my heart. very much.

realationship with my family goes up and down but it's been improving and esp. so after ive found a job.im thankful for my rather unlimited freedom and their trust in me. though we've our disagreements, but which family doesn't?

from a nonsingle to a single. i think it jus taught me alot. and ive grown so much ( though nt in ht really) and learnt so much in d past yr. and yahs. still learning and growing. so some things have to be forgiven, forgotten and so my selctive memory has decided to do jus that to allow me a happier yr ahead. perhaps i was so angry so upset when he found a new gf jus 2 days after we broke up cus i felt cheated--as if all d love vows, messsages and claims were never made. as if im easily forgotten in jus 2 days. but i was ignorant and immature. now im better. really am.

and it's really blessful to be with 3505 while im in tj. in all honesty, i don't love d sch much as many would know. but i met some really wonderful ppl while i was there like my fellow ogls, leo frens and if course, the 35-ers.
they jus made my jc life so much better and it really wun be the same without the crazy bunch of them :)
imissyouguys.

and you know how ppl miss studying while they're working and stuffs? i don't..though work is a bitch like how most ppl are saying. i wun wana go back to d feverish muggy days. where there isn't really a rest day, not even on weekends. and there was endless tests and exams. at least now i can have dinner after work with frens with a relaxed mind and weekends to rest and catch up with frens. :)

so, this is the new mth in a flash:

1.ezlink card's value jus disappears like running water ever since adult fares been charged. damn..

2.ive gt a new phone frm dad as a bdae! (frm last yr) so like me, it has selctive memory and it has chosen to self-delete the msgs which once meant so much to me when i transfered d sim card.

3. offices mk me fat. luckily im going gym with xy and kenneth soon.

4. hopefully more time for dance classes soon!

5. i love having dinner with frens after work and i love clubbing with clubbing mates.

6. i karn wait for sats to be over cus i dun have d time nor d motivation to study at all. i feel as if im jus throwing away money. hahs.

7. i karn wait for cruise with my frens on the 31st!

and work is really sucky. more of it next time.hahs.

happy new year!! :)

2006-12-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

it's one of those what-pam-did-in-the-past-week post so it might be boring. alittle warning.

lets start from last wk. hehs.

wed: eragon movie with ivan and it's free tix from brightsparks so im ivan's 'guest'. nyahs. don't really know the story but luckily ivan was there to explain. hmms. kinda lotr movie i think. with pretiee girl and boy and dragon. and i saw many ppl dat day lahs..clara with her bf, peishan, yingtong...and i karn remb. ohohoh. and after dat we had yummy tea at ichiban boshi and den i went to plaza sing to meet my family for dinner at guess where? ichiban boshi! hahs.

thurs: was outing with da babes nessa, elks and jean. and we were jus chilling and talking about everything at pacific coffee. not forgetting photowhoring of cos. hehs. nice and lazy afternoon:) and den off to meet cousie kenneth and andrea for dinner at newyorknewyork. whee! their freeeeee green apple flavoured candy floss is a mus try!

friday: was shopping with mum and sis. i bought two babydoll dresses :)

saturday: was s'pposed to have a meal buden was postponed last min so it was window shopping with guitan and leehui at orchard cus leehui woke me up telling me abt. some supposedly awesome sale. missing dearie leehui loads lahs. busy girl ever since she started working at the hospital.

sunday: was the ocassional bring- the- grannies- out- for-meal-day. and so it was lunch at tao's restaurant. gorgeous food really really. and then off to shop for groceries and christmas prezzies.

mon: was jobhunting with jean and elks. and we were really hardworking and efficient okes. hahs. den off we go to ichiban boshi (hahs) at wisma for tea! yayness :) den it was shopping for christmas prezie with elks at taka. really arhs. that girl is crazy madness. never mk her shop with you at the toys deparment. " take this!! take that!! iya, just buy everything!! quick quick quick!!" hahas. so that girl doesn't have much love for toys i found out :pP then off to STREET JAZZ class! the night before ...
elks: lets hope they don't mk us to anything turns.
me: yahs! i karn do them leis. i'll jus flip and fall lahs. hah.
elks: you can fall on me and i'll fall on you!
and that made me laughed at 1plus am cus i had an image of us falling all over the place.
budden immediately after our very very very challenging stretching warm-ups by the very strectch-able intructor we were given turns turns and more TURNS. so it was pirouettes and toes and more of those till i karn balance myself. but it was quite an experience. nice dance moves and gorgeous poses but i was kinda lost while elks was really engrossed and shaking so damn well. hahs. more of these classes and then i'll really have abs instead of fats. take that! too bad he doesn't read my blog anymore. but still. HAHS. and den i had a romatic walk-and-run in the POURING rain with dearie elks who offered help with my bags and was my pseudo one night boyfriend :) and warm warm meal at soup spoon at that cold, rather late night was jus. HMMMMMMS..YUMS.

today: met up with kenneth since he has an off day at last. so it was walking around orchard and cityhall looking for his cap. really arhs. we must have went into tens of stores. then it was half priced waffles with ice cream for dinner. and then our favourite place-toys rus. or rather his fave. and we can always spend hours there trying to be kids and him terrorising the kids. and then off to hongkong cafe for supper! yumms :)
when i was on d way home on the train this group of ah bengs with the most hideous hairstyles irrtated me till i felt like giving them a slap. one of them kept blowing very loud and shrill wolf whistles and calling 'OI' in my direction, everyone on d carriage was staring at them but i jus ignored. they dun deserve my attention. den his fren asked who he is calling for, he pointed at me. that did it. i raised my head and diao them in the you-really-pissed-me-off way and they stopped. when they went out of the train he actually went ' she looked at me' in mandarin and laughed. yahs. why not laugh at ur stupidity.
and then on the bus, this guy standing beside me was whispering to his fren who was in front and facing him. except that they were 2 cm away frm me and their whispers were no secrets. one of them wanted number but another went smth like 'very xiao hai zi look..' you're right. look in d mirror and jus look at how old u are and i bet you aren't rich either.

aren't there decent guys?

2006-12-14T23:56:00.000-08:00

today, someone asked me 'how's ur bf?' very blatantly.and she knew i broke up but assumed ive found another.
ive none. so yahs.

ytd,a fren asked me ' aren't you gona seek for a new bf?' i jus looked at him cus i duno how to ans. it isn't for me to seek.

i need someone to hold my hands, to snuggle into, to hug.
im really a little girl.

now i know wad elks meant when she tld me one day while collecting newspapers dat she needed a man. hahas. but dat was before d babe is happily attached with her guy :)

2006-12-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

.prom'06.

prom nite at fullerton hotel (my favourite hotel) was kinda okiess. except that my heels hurt like hell and halfway i was walking barefooted and had to hold onto ivan whenever i walked with my heels.

the class was loveleigh and my table had a crazy buncha people really. hahas. but the glutton me expected like some wedding dinner course of nine when there was only 5 courses and like jinjie said : the last course is like what- tea/ coffee? hahas. so in fact, it was only like 4 courses.

everyone looked really really good. and elks won prom queen! :) whee! imma so very happy for her! her dances on stage, were hot. hahs. hmms. it seems as if my class always has good looking people:) sec4 prom king and queen were from my class too :) yayness.

my loveleigh class (with some ppl missing, sadly)

.post prom.

post prom at attica was way crazziier.d dancefloor was packed. seems like many people have trouble with itchy hands. even my guy fren from had his ass squeezed. hahas. he was funny shitts. and went to ask for the number of the girl who squeezed his ass. hahas. but i had no trouble really, not that i can remember of. hahas. maybe cus i was dancing with ivan. for the first time, he was such a sweetie.like holding my hands really tightly when we go in and out of the dancefloor everytime so i won't get lost in d crowd. and when some guys surrounded me,came too close for comfort and were breathing into me,he helped pulled me towards him, clara and grace. :) thankew you.

35ers were great on the dancefloor can. mab, yokey, zhu, xiaoting, shings, nav, isaac, yiming, nessa,elks, jean, manday. and esp the ppl i danced with most of the time towards the end-ivan, clara, grace. they were really loveleigh madness bunch.

thankew karkeat for helping us look after our stuffs. if not we couldn't have danced with such ease of mind :)

my feet hurt so much from all the dancing in my heels (i wondered how i managed to dance in those heels) that i had to be piggybacked ard. clarke quay. hahas.

great music. great company. and DANCE. what more can i say?

the after club heaven

.post post prom.(not exactly)

clara, jy, tingxi, tingxi's bf (gab), ivan and i decided to go out to mos's milkshake on sat which was so kuku. cus d queue was like 3streets until liang court at like wad 9PM. very stupid lahs. why they give out over quantity of passes. and all the frens whom i gave the passes to (cus gab had extra) managed to get into the club, by i duno how. but we ended up at st james power station. after queuing outside for like TWOHOURS or so, smelling smoke, listening to the music churning from inside wishing to be in. arghs.but still, thankew tingxi for the passes.

and st james was blahs. d girls can enter all d clubs der but guys at eighteen can only enter like one? and it had its dancefloor closed cus of stars awards and anws dat club was playing some techno music which was undanceable to. we managed to smuggle ourselves into another club which was playing..urms. DANCING QUEEN. and the people there were grinding each other to music like lindy rock?yucks. we were like. okes. lets move our arms left and right. hahs.

so you think with half the world at mos and the other half at zoukout, st james would be at peace but no, there was long queue at dragonfly which was prob the only club there playing decent music. so it was quite a night of wasted cab fares. except for the company :)

the only fun was really six of us on one hammock. screaming and laughing away like innocent kids :)
we were so bored there we took this.

.PHOTOS.

okes. i din haf much photos with me cus my feet was hurting and my cam mode is all wrong so most photos i took are in other people's cam. if you are one such person, send them to me! :) but here's what i have (some frm ivan, zhu and nessa). click on the link :)

thankew zhu for the link help :) and nessa dear for flickr help :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26137307@N00/sets/

2006-12-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

okes. im boycotting mos. im neva going st james power station till im like 60. exact same sentiments as ivan and clara.

prom blog post coming up!
soon :)

2006-12-05T21:00:00.000-08:00

i havent eaten for 31 hrs. i think i broke my record.

no.im not on a diet.

i always thought that working is easier than mugging. at least i had fun at my previous jobs. i always thought that that it is a matter of whether you are willing to learn and work and put in the effort. and dats all that mattered.i was so wrong.

i was so miserable on my first day at work. i was crying like shits in the bathroom. my whole body ached like hell. we were nicely termed' customer service officer' but in fact our work includes everything. it isn't an easy job at all. we have to check in ppl, and this includes differentiating all d different cards-gold, platinum, sliver, normal, black wadeva. then we had to check d different classes, time, studio, instructor, wad type of class and day. and we do classes booking and cancellaton. we do towel cardsand give towels. we do check-in system. we fold towels. (when we fold slightly wrongly we must refold d whole pile). we do checking of vip lounges. we do check outs. we empty towel bins. we answer all sorts of funny calls. we help with inteviews and new guests' forms. we bring new guests to lounges. we help the consultants. we do basically everything. and stand for long hours.and have no time at all to rest except at lunch.and we work at sucky times including christmas period which pisses me off cus ive plans. :(

the worse thing is, i hate my working enviornment. they speak in their mother tongues which i don't understand. and often don't know what is happening.some seniors are nice. some really nasty. i hate the tone they use to tell us to fold the towels faster. if i didn't had another newcomer accompanying me i would have broke down there and then. instead i gave my sweetest smile to all members and guests. now, applaud me.

i was so tired i fell asleep with my contacts.so this morning, my whole body refused to wake up to go for work. and i overslept. and over there, if you're one min late u're damn late. so there. i think i was fired. but i dun care anymore.

i wish my parents could have been more underestanding. when i was putting in the shoes and opening d front door. i told myself no matter how friggin tired i am, how hungry, how my body aches, i would not show my tiredness in front of them. but i finally broke down when i kept being reprimanded for not telling them what time i was coimg home. i am someone so used to independence and freedom i don't need such scoldings. they've never helped me with decisions and i was always on my own, i don't see how i deserved to be pick on at home when i have been the whole day at work. and the other day my mum kept going on abt how it is a waste of money to spend on prom. when i didn't even asked a single cent from them for prom. and which is why i frigging have to earn moeny. and i very very very seldom ask them for money in my course of growing up. i buy my own shoes, bags, clothes, make up, almost everything beside transport and neccesities on my own. i ask for very little. ive longed forgotten how to ask.

i feel miserable, pathetic, abandoned.

2006-12-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

whee.

went to sing kbox with yt, ngxin and erjie today at marina. and i went hysterical with ngxin's highs and lows and yt's super act cute version of everything you do. (ahas. nopes im nt doing m2m again). and i was screaming zhanghuimei's ting hai away. hahas. and me and ngxin attempted to rap where is the love which didn't turn out half as bad. hahas. ritess?

and den out of kbox i saw a fren frm tj and i was waving to her when.. "PAM! PAMELA!!PAMELA!" i swear, by that time everyone in the queue waiting to go in was staring at me. and der was kitson and mervy. hahs. and dat kitson. forever saying my hair. "eh. what's happen to ur hair!" and everyone in the queue turned to look at me again.wahs. super embarassing.

and den we had to go separate ways. which was kinda messy. (sorry nessa..din get to meet u.. :( ) and we were walking marina, suntec, citylink until our legs were breaking. after which ngxin accompanied me to orchard to get my dress.

ngxin and i were total madness. laughing hysterically at d stations and trains and walking around orchard with our arms hooked.( oh no.im still very much a hetereosexual). d auntie at d dress shop thinks im a crazy girl. hahs. which isn't too good.

thankew erjie and yt for the loveleigh birthday prezies :) d prettie 'fairytale' book yt wrote was so sweet it made me teared. :)

oh..and i went vivo for the first time ytd. and got lost. ahas. dear vic and her fren, elisa were really sweeties. helping me to look for heels. vic had to leave early. and latas me and elisa just karn find d damn coffee bean and forerver21. hahas.and when we were really obviously looking lost, this ahma came to ask me for directions. d irony of it. hahs. i wished i could help her.

and me and leehui bought a pair of pretty addidas shoes for 30 bucks at the sale. which was really a steal. and you know why it's so frigging cheap?it's kids size. hahs. shrunken feets have advantages too.

2006-11-29T01:02:00.000-08:00

A's ended 4 days ago! for me. ahas. post-exams days are a whirl. wake up early. go out. sleep late. wake up early. never see me so hardworking when studying for d exams.

i feel very unsettled. like ive so many plans dat have to keep changing.. very messy. and my date book is in a mess. okes. laugh at me. ive a girly date book.
im really sorry..35ers and esp manday..i karn go hk with the madhatters anymore cus ive a wedding to attend.. :(
and omygosh. i karn go cruise with krys, xy and rong either cus ive work.
all my plans seemed to get flushed away.
im really sorry buds if i changed any of our appointments like suddenly.
sighs.

the prom shopping is giving me a big fat headache cus i found a job but din do shopping, now im starting work soon and ive no time.messy. breatheless.

at least i gota meet up with quite a few buds in these few days :) addidas sale, airport chats, kbox, rumaging rong's house, interviews, walking ard doing nth..i love my buds :)

2006-11-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

okes. im like blogging so much this weekend.

just went to watch graduation videos on youtube of cchms. am very sad i karn find our batch's! i remembered the photos i sent in were used and they made such a sweet video that i ended up crying. but looking at d other videos and seeing the familiar faces of the teachers and buildings makes me feel so...a deep welling of sudden feelings.
the days of sitting at the lakeside chatting with friends before dawn or at sunsets. i missed..reallyreally.
some part of me wished ive treasured more of what i should have treasured.

on d sidenote,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNETHLOH! :)

2006-11-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

im down with a nasty flu! arghs.

and im behaving as if the a's are over. nothing NOTHING is making me touch those books due the rampant influences of all frens around me who have ended. WHEEE.

am gonna add another wonderful event to my post a's to-be plans --imma gonna cruise with dearest buds-krys, xy, pr and sr! yayness. I KARN WAIT!
and dad's gona let me design and renovate my room! RAHSSS. it's gona be really PRETTIE.
i karn wait to belt out in high-pitch voices with rach,yt and xy at kbox.
karn wait to go vivo city with nessa (prob ivan?) and den kenneth on another day.
karn wait to go shopping with yt.
and den there's d PROM with wonderful night with 35-ers.
dance classes with elksss.
gym sessions with kenneth.
ikea tampines. AHHS.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
and MANY MANY MORE.
it's good to know that ive my christmas's eve's eve + christmas eve+ christmas taken up. so that i won't be a lonely little girl at 18 watching couples snuggle up at orchard road during the perios. RAHS.
NOW WHO SAYS LIFE KARN BE FUN EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SINGLE?

2006-11-17T05:02:00.000-08:00

in response to elks's loveleigh exclaimation:

ELKS! I KARN WAIT TO DANCE TOO!! :)

and im sorry for d utter late-ness but..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEANIE BABY! we'll go out one day okesokes?

ohmans. i thought this week was never gona end with papers everyday and only a night to study human geog. but WE DID IT!!ahhhhs.just one more week! ahhhhsssssss.

and i karn say how loveleigh 35ers are. never failing to put a smile on my face before each paper despite how nervous i may be. and all d hugs and encouragements. :) thankewyou.

ohohoh. d ikea tampines had just opened. and vivocity. and st james power station is gona be fully open. wad a great time to be eighteen! okes. I KARN WAIT FOR IT ALL TO START! i feel as if ive a million plans awaiting me.

2006-11-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

i kept having diarrheas and being increasingly sleepy and losing weight. ive lost like 5.9 kg in less than a month or so d digital machine tells. and d parents are getting worried, piling on my meal plates with lotsa meats. it isn't helping.

i wana say..thankew ppl..for all d encouragements and everything..
almost there. almost.

somethings you don't even know, can never understand,who are you to judge, even.

2006-10-29T03:16:00.000-08:00

d a's are round d corner and im addcited to princess hours. it's really very bad. so it was an hour a day and now dear sista has borrowed the vcds and im kinda glued to it. damn. plus im addicted to the chinese drama shows as well. arghs. why do all shows like to come out at this time of the year.

*

i really karn study at home cus d proportion of me study to not is damn freaking disproportionate. i kept falling asleep for hours and hours. i seriously, truely think ive got the sleeping disease. so i tried studying outside with mugging bud. kenneth but the sessions always turn out to be chit chat sessions over tea and cheesecakes. and we'll people watch and talk about everything. it's so so so unproductive and weight inducing. what am i to do.

*

i karn wait to dance.
karn wait to start shopping for prom.
karn wait to hang out with all my friends proper.
karn wait to catch up with my buds.

2006-10-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

almost every girl is keeping their hair long for the prom and i happily went to cut my hair. now i regret it so much cus the auntie seemed to be having so much fun cutting my hair that she cut off TOO much. i was so shocked when i saw so much hair on the apron( or whatever you call it). sadness. hopefully my hair grows back real fast. it was when i was thinking about this at watsons when the man in front of me was holding the 'accelarating hair growth thingie'. hahas. how concidental. kenneth was saying at least it isn't botak. iyas. i want my hair back.

*

thankew amanday for helping me keep my stuffs when i wasn't in school :) hahs. i love my friends lahs. they're so cute. and now my worksheets all have 'cai pei zi' on them. so wrong so wrong. hahas.

2006-10-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

there's smth wrong with tagboard and i was trying to change it into cbox but it kept going into the profile section and not the last section. after millions and millions of tries i somehow got it in the right place at last. i feel kinda self-satisfied. hahas. considering im a total dumb-ass at scripts. i always have the focus on the wrong kind of things.

*

im feeling like downright shittes. firstly im having really bad cramps and to top it off im flu and tummyaches. the medicines are making me fall asleep anytime anywhere such that my sleeping hrs are all screwed. and i didn't even make it to graduation day! i'll miss 35 so much.. life in tj would be so very very different without them...
i feel like my body is gona explode and im in a really really angsty mood. like an angsty little kid.

*

during the weekend, ken and i had a long talk at long john's and it set me to think about alotalot of things.
i realized i don't know what i want anymore. not in life, not in relationships. ive to find something instead of drifting along. now whats that something?

2006-10-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

it seems like each time i stare into space he'll know exactly what im thinking about and when i look somewhere (not into space), thinking of smth, he'll always say aloud the exact thing im thinking of. so much so that there's no more need for words, one glance at somewhere and he'll understand what i wana say.

*

was s'pposed to meet kenneth. but cus we weren't meeting for lunch, dad suggested that i pop by pf jiejie's hse for the buffet and say hi and look at the baby. since i thought i had time and i wanted to play with the baby, why not. dad was already mking the signal to pf jiejie's hse, which is just 5 mins away,when kenneth called to say he's there already. oops. and smth just tld me i shldn't go. so i asked dad to just send me straight to meet him. it was this cloe. i was told alot of relatives were asking where i was.. and i felt a tid-bit bad. the whole grp of them was there except me and vic. i feel like laughing.

*

i'll miss the crazy 3505 so so much.

2006-10-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Tertiary Fling
at MOS on Oct 12 Free Entry to those 18 and above. Please produce STUDENT ID and IC at door.
MUST BE A STUDENT - Poly, JC, University, Private student whatever as long as you produce a student ID.
Be there by 9.30, latest 10.

im summoning every single source of determination to not go. like elks say it'll prob be super crowded. but if anyone wana go, i shall help you ask dear wh for the tix. and i shall remain firm that I SHALL NOT GO.

*

watched little ms sunshine with manday, elks and nessa. after mr rajesh told us during lecture that " ive a very impt announcement to make. this weekend, drop all books and watch little ms sunshine." and it's really worth d every single bit of extra 1.50 bucks i must say. we laughed so hard that me and elks were nearly hundled together with tears. i loved their company! anws. watch the show. it's really good. and works really well as a destresser so you won't need to spend buckets on chocolates.

2006-10-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

eighteenth birthday was spent with besties sr, pr, ngxin, krys.who treated me to newyorknewyork on top of giving me almost the whole of sasa. hahs. and they were really sweet cus they bought an orea cheesecake from tcc, lighted a little candle( after some assistance from a cute waiter) and sang me a cheerful little birthday song. hahs. but i nearly hid under the table from the whole newyorknewyork staring at me.but it was really a great company and i haven't laughed for so long like this for quite a while. and dad and mum presented me with a like triple-tier cedele carrot cake which was totally gorgeous and yummy.

*

and den i met up with leehui too. who wrote a really really sweet message in a really really large notebook. thankew girl. :) i couldn't resist giving her a hug there and then.

*

and more nice surprises greeted me on mon. manday was presented me with a bag that went "im pamela! now that you know my name.." and the other side went " wish me a happy birthday!" and cus i promised not to squash it in my bag and neither do i want to exclaim my name to the whole world, i had everyone wishing me a happy birthday :) yayness. manday's statement works great! and then it was jack's place with nessa, manday and pamteo just for random lunch. and jo had me a prettie top. thankew all.

*

met up with yt yesterday and we really walked round parkway, literally, aimlessly. hahs. and i thought of how if i couldn't find a rich old man im gona set up some water-the-plants-at-the-rdside company. and maybe monopolise the cleaning services for the integrated resorts. hahs.

*

----*thankew all for the birthday wishes! :) i treasure them reallyreally :)

*

jungchao was such a kapo-pok, grinding me on everything. wads wrong being single at EIGHTEEN huhhs. then again, i told sj that i'll marry him when he becomes a rich old man. omg. and another day he asked how old and how rich i want. never thought of it and i was mentioning it to kenneth the other day.
k: i help you answer. you want a net worth of 5 million dollars and must be 55 years old so you can get the cpf.
p:oh. right. i didn't think about it. that's quite a good catch but can you up the 5 million to abit more?

*

NAHS. ive to stop this nonsense shits. if not people will really think im a "deseperate housewife" which i am not! okes. maybe i want a rich young man. how about that.

*

a random quiz thingie

You are a Great Girlfriend
When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtfulBut you also haven't stopped thinking of yourselfYou're the perfect blend of independent and caringYou're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!
Are You a Good Girlfriend?

2006-10-01T03:27:00.000-07:00

IM EIGHTEEN!

wheeee.

2006-09-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

school's been so depressing and i seemed to have retreated back into my little unhappy self.

*

it seems like the more i studied, the more badly i do. then i'll ask myself. wth am i putting in so much effort for? im frigging upset. but i duno who to be upset with but myself. i chose to let him affect my moods during prelims. and not matter how much i studied or how hard i tried to, my heart wasn't there. but now i learnt better, im gona really let go. if not, ive noone to blame but myself.

*

i really hate school now. i mean..i love the 35ers and all my frens but it just sucks and makes no sense when u have to wake up at six to go for 2 lessons. it is esp senseless when my lessons start at 10 on days and ive more breaks den lessons really. and i have so many breaks in between, not being a morning person, not being a patient person, when ive nothing to do but rot for hours i get really grumpy.

*

d only thing that is keeping me going are my friends. ivan and nessa are really a funny pair. elks is always there for a nice warm hug. and ivan's been giving me neck massage the whole day. kukupok. manday..get well soon okes. today pr asked me: are you excited? sat is your birthday! and i suddenly realized ive forgotten abt my bdae. and sr was so cute. she was telling me smth and i just stared at her and she went "u didn't know? oops. is it meant to be a secret?" and krys have threatened that i keep my sat free.and this is what da jie said:

flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
u so mafan la
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
make us waste so many sms
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
hAHAHAHAHAHA
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
kidding la
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
anything for u!
--*pam. dance with me says:
hahahahs
--*pam. dance with me says:
really ahss
--*pam. dance with me says:
so u all have been silently being sneaky peaky behind me?
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
HAHAH
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
sneaky peaky yes!

awws. i love my besties. and i wonder what they are up to. hahs.

*

had sakae buffet with kenneth and we were competing who can eat more plates. i think im not bad! just one or two plates less than him. shall post the photos up next time. a total of like 25 plates, and abt 27 bucks worth of 'profits'. hahs. after which he made me walk to the other end of orchard just to get a tiny handphone pouch. now he owes me 9 ichogos.(i dun care).anws. he gave me a suggestion that if i do badly *touchwoods i can always enter the toilet institute that singapore is gona establish. they need young talents.

*

im feeling damn damn bleak. i needa find my rich old man. soon.

2006-09-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

hahas. im in such downright self-denial. i refused. refused to look at the geog answers and printed it and stuffed it into my file. refused to check d econs mcq ans and refused to have nessa tell me the ans. hahs. i wana have a good weekend.

i decided that this weekend is for family only weekend. cus i feel kinda guilty for not spending enough time with them and stuffs. so mum and dad said they book me for birthday treat on saturday. and mum made sure we try out the tao's restaurant. it's like a seven-course fusion dinner. and you've choices for each course. it's like so pampering and the food is really yummy. for a little while, i felt like a princess. :)

gona meet bestie leehui tmr and prob continue binging myself. tues will be outing with 35-ers (tcc elks? :) but ivan why must be after wednesday?isnt geog s tues?) and sakae buffet with ken on wed. dinner with korkor on fri. topped with cedele cake from dad coming weekend.yayness. i foresee myself becoming a pig by the end of this week.

i just felt my heart breaking into tiny tiny little pieces and i don't know why. why. why am i feeling this way. i hate this feeling. it's like i could literally feel my whole heart dropping. i don't like this one bit.

2006-09-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

okes. prelims is over at last. and i can do a little dance. hahs. karn believe i survived d prelims with all d crap going on.

*

kenneth was asking me to go eat sake buffet after his last paper (which was tuesday!) and i told him i'll feel guilty if i celebrate so early+ i hafen studied human geog at all + i have two more yucky papers. so anws. i told him ive break for like nxt mon, tues, wed. (i shld have known tj better) last night he went:

" auntie! congrats! tmr is ur last paper..haha. like finally! (thanks ahs) anws lets go for sushi on mon can?..."
"huhs. but i going out on mon..."
"in that case you wana eat tmr instead?..."
"my paper end like abt six?.."
"huh..den u better make it on mon! cos i've waited so long for you. you better make it..."

see. this is what happens when friends around you already had like one week break. and we're gona get one day. and i've already planned out my whole sat, sun,mon, tues, wed. post exam indulgence. and now? hello. we need a break. we deserve a break.

2006-09-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

sj, being a nice sweet senior and friend, wrote this for me, to comment on his blog but i shall be nice and not disturb their r/s. i think he wun understand anws.

sj wrote:

You know, when someone falls in love, the tedancy is that whatever shit he/she is exposed to, they all smell,taste and feels like flowers to a bee.
Been there done that.
Just a personal thought.
Looking at how the present seems to be @ perfect harmony with what had happened, which to me looks like a bee feeding on shit.

(i think he deserves a hug for that. smarty-ass:) )

Sijie. says:
i feel all so intelligent again
Sijie. says:
been a while
--*pam. dance with me says:
do i get credit for making you feel smart?
Sijie. says:
nope
Sijie. says:
haha
Sijie. says:
i motivated myself

(u're really kuku. but still nice :) )

and then i was reminded of how he accompanied me throughout the night with continous smses to keep me awake till d morning just so i could finish my assignments one day in sec.sch. and last yr, when i was worried about jc life, he went "don't worry. you'll get it slowly. everything will turn out fine" the simplicity of his assurance was so comforting. some friendships mean alot. (some immature ppl karn understand that)

*

ivan is seriously cracking up.

??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
pamela
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
we must go out after prelims
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
you can be my pseudogirlfriend
-*pam. dance with me says:
then if someone tells us to join d couple thing again.
--*pam. dance with me says:
we must say yes this time and then and win more money.
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
if they ask me whats your favourite colour, Ill say pink can!
--*pam. dance with me says:
no..i teach u arhs
--*pam. dance with me says:
mus say pink blue orange and white. hahs

and i was influenced by his kuku-ness.

2006-09-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

my blog isn't meant to "got(her)affected".i think you mean get affected.but anyways there's a reason for me writing in my blog instead of your blog(i think anyone with a few brain cells would realize that).and i duno what are your intentions for showing her my blog.(to have a pathetic alliance?)it is a channel for me to express my feelings not to affect her, nor the relationship. it's so freaking ironic that you showed her my blog and then congratulate her on not being affected.

*

to think that i wanted to be friends, to think that i wana leave things as it is. just when im at peace, you wana have more say. what to do, a libran karn have all the injustice blasted at her and her friends and not do anything.

*

"I shall remain the Evil Man in their Oh-So-Wonderful world then. "-yes, our world is more wonderful than yours because we treasure relationships and friendships more than you can understand. we love one another and do not turn our backs on one another in the *snap of the fingers. so if you depict urself as so pitiful, what's the other side of the story?that i left you, and you went on to show how pitiful you are only to get attached the next day? really, it shows how true your feelings were.

*

"Dar dar u already said she just a 小妹妹, so wat for iwill spoil my mood just cuz of a 小妹妹.. No matter wat happen, life still goes on..peace.." bad linguistic skills aside, i maybe xiaomeimei in the eys of you OLDUNCLE AND OLDAUNTIE, but you know what, i don't see the extent of ur maturity in ur thinkings at all. so dun compare ages. if you freaking think im 'just' a xiaomeimei im gona let your mere pathetic remark pass cus im more than 'just' that-intelligence included.if you think that ages determine how mature one is, may i just say how ignorant you are? and you are an apt example of how the theory is wrong. oh. and it would be much appreciated if you would stop ur relentless and constant 'she is just too young', at least four times in a post? because being young is an asset, your undermining tone is just unacceptable.on the other hand, it is ur blog so u have the freedom and i shan't be pissed. jus like this is my blog. need i spell it in your faces?

"Nessa: You are loved beyond your own comprehension! By everyone around. HUGGSS. Love you girl!"
how friendships and relationships support the characters in it, the depth of the meanings is something that is difficult to grasp, and seeing how you never would, im sorry to say that if you have anything against my friends that it is pitiful to be against the innocence of friendships.kenneth asked why i liked "this kind of old man" and another friend was saying that "his english is so bad how can you stand it?" i've never depised you for being a dirty old man..oops. i mean look down on you for being an older man, which is why ive never mentioned these in my earlier posts but why should you and esp the 'dar' pick on my age? "just a xiaomeimei" now it just says just what you are.

*

if you are ashamed of knowing me, lets just say that im ten times more regretful than you are. and ur 'dar's' snide remarks isn't gona help much.

*

omygosh. i just wana exclaim at how some people are so pathetically immature, failing to understand profound relationships yet rant on and on about how im insufficient cus im younger. your arguement is just downright denial.i dun claim to know all about relationships but i know how to love my friends and family and treasure them.now how much do you know to judge me?

"he folded his fear into a perfect rose. He held it out in the palm of his hand. She took it from him and put it in her hair" -acceptance is more than what you see on the surface. would you ever understand?

2006-09-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

i love my buds and my friends so so much! the 35ers. esp. nessa and manday never fail to crack me up. yt never fails to amuse and confuse me with her relentless 'how?' and elks and jean and krys and san are just fantastic. ivan gives big hugs without questioning me. uncle ken asked me to binge with him for stress relieve.i love them.really really.

*

that day, in a culmination of everything, i broke down and my parents were super shocked cus i always seem so composed. hahas. daddy had me on his lap and rocked me like a baby and told me with a kiss that "no matter what, mummy and daddy love you" and i wish they would know that i love them alotalot too.

*

so ive come out of my depressed little self. cus i found so much more to life. and everything's gona be better. cus there's gona be binging with nessa and manday. (other ppl too?) and shopping with besties. and elks have found d place to learn our dances. she asking me to learn hiphop. and i shall make her learn new jazz. and i wana wana learn salsa! and then there will be travelling with the 35-ers. and yt to rome? (girl, we really need our rich old men?) hahs. and there's gona be crusing with my bestest buds. mans. i karn wait for d frigging a's to be over!

*

you know, ive this weird urge to hug someone whenever someone holds d umbrella for me. hahs. act. it's not that weird cus yt feels the same way! that day it was raining heavily and ivan was reciting some lines from d pc exam "okes.me and pamela are lovers under the arch-bridge so you must be Time and pretend to cough!" when all he did was cover my face with the umbrella.i love my friend! and that time when zhu was sharing umbrella with me at bedok, i wanted so much to give her a big warm hug, but i think she wld have just dropped the umbrella in shock. and when i was in sec2, some random senior offered to shelter me with his umbrella and i wanted to hug him and say "thankew!" but i think he'll think me mad. hahs. but i just wana say that i suddenly feel so loved and that i do appreciate the people around me alot. *bows.

*

listening to PCD's sway and i really karn wait to open myself and express myself thru DANCE. hahs. iyas. freak d damn exams.

*

im sorry for my outburst. it just seemed so foolish now. and when i said "you should repect her and her body" he actually said "haha.sorry. she's my kind" and i just felt disgusted. a girl that does not respect her body garners no respect. i mean how many days have it been. but it's not my business now. im just glad im out of it all. and ken was frigging funny when he saw d photo he went "she pretty meh?!" hahs. now you're asking me.i mean no offence to the girl cus she did nth wrong to me. i'll just be a bystander now and hope things work for them. lalalas~

*

thankew my friends. nessa..d long talk was really good. maybe next time u can shop for leggings with me too! im feeling so much better now. like my heart that has been held down for so long that i feel suffocated has been finally released! i karn wait to go dance. :) loves. shits. im been frigging slack ever since duno when. tell me why do i think the prelims are over? okes. it's football time!

2006-09-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

looking back, i am too silly, too stupid, too ignorant.
now i know better and am gona live better.

karn wait to dance. karn wait to spend more time with my buds and family after all this shit. pms+breakup+prelims. am gona play myself silly to celebrate my birthday soon. :)

he needed a new r/s badly cus he's just gt a little heart dat is unwilling to love others. dat's prob why he was so insecure in d r/s. it's not good to be so emotionally reliant on d other party. i wish he'll see d importance of friends one day for he always say he doesn't need one.i love my friends and family so much and im grateful for having such loving people in my life. they are just so important.

if he's gona put me down. he's so wrong. im gona make him regret what he's said and did. am gona live life like never before, espcially after d a's. i'll be more than 'adorable'.

2006-09-16T03:11:00.000-07:00

that day, in my excitement to show him something, i pulled his wrist just like i would to any other friend.i think he mistood me and tried to hold my hand.i dropped his wrist. feeling guilty. even for such a little action like this. for being too close to someone too soon.

FREAK CAN. i wonder what i am feeling guilty for being close to my guy friends for or even being upset and guilty for having "broken his heart". u noe wad. U SUCK. yes YOU. okes ppl who know me would know im not d kind who swear around. but you know what. YOU ARE A FRIGGING JERK. DUN GO AROUND SHOWING HOW PITIFUL YOU ARE, saying a heart that i broke cannot be mend again when d next day you go and get urself attached. and if dat frigging photo is meant to make me jealous. you know what. it just made me frigging pissed. pissed at myself for being so silly so stupid at having been upset FOR NOTHING. and u frigging dare to add there that ' TO THINK I JUST BROKE UP WITH PAM' like HELLO. U DID NOT BREAK UP WITH ME. I CHOSE TO LEAVE U! IT CHILDISH CAN. and makes it seem very on pupose.idiot.now you please go to hell. and i want to have nothing. NOTHING to do with you. I HAVE NEVER HATED SOMEONE SO MUCH in my life. U FRIGGING ASS IN THE HEAD. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. i never want to see u again. and i seriously wish d girl GOOD LUCK.and u better treat the girl with more RESPECT. (you frigging know what i mean).and i dun care if u get frigging angry if you ever read this. I HATE YOU.

okes. im not going to frigging break down and be upset anymore. i should now go and congratulate myself for having release myself from you. i frigging dunwana have anything to do with you anymore.to think im upset even admidst all d stress of prelims. damnit. why am i so friggin ignorant?

IF YOU ARE TRYING TO FULFIL THE 'you will regret it!' thing for me breaking up with you or trying to get back at me. you know what. im gona friggin make you regret it even more.

okes. pam is gona be herself again. no more this bloddy guy taking up her life. FREAK YOU.

2006-09-13T05:21:00.000-07:00

OMYGOSH.

im so freaking dead. whats d point of studying when all u studied doesn't come out like u think it would. or the moment you get d paper every piece of information flies out of d head.all d papers so far-JUST SUCKS. like friggin alot alot.

damnit. the feeling sucks. i feel useless and stupid. ms j. gona go ' pamela im so disappointed and shocked in you' again. or rather she'll prob say ' i duno what to do with you anymore' this time.

talking with shings and zhu on d bus and we were ranting abt how bleak d future is. shings was thinking of being a flight stewardess. i think i can go become a road sweeper. *sighs.

2006-09-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

just pull d trigger. and shoot me. please.

i suddenly found myself fervently wishing there's no tomorrow. it feels like a deep, yearning desire that is crying out loud. and i want it so much.

this is hardly me. i don't know myself anymore.

2006-09-06T03:33:00.000-07:00

i hope you'll read this.even if you hate me. just like i'll still read ur journal everyday.

6 months 10 days.

i had always been a perfectionist. my close friends have always said that of me. i aim for too much, want too much. sometimes. and if i had no confidence of doing something well, i won't do it.

im sorry i didn't have time for the relationship. or put in as much commitment as i would like to. i tried to free up whatever time i had to spend with you, i tried to show you how much i cared through little means now and then, i thought having you on my mind was enough. apparently, it isn't. i didn't want to be selfish. i could choose to be selfish and concentrate on my studies and settle anything after that but the reason i didn't is because there's a possibility of you finding someone better during this time. and i dunwan to be an obstacle. don't say you won't have a girlfriend after me, cos, you'll never know about the future. maybe even before i finish my exams, you'd found a new girlfriend? and then, i 'll stick out my tongue, laugh at you and say " see i told you so."

i hope you won't hate me as much as time passes. if i karn be The Ex-girlfriend nor The Friend, i hope i could at least be an accquintance, and that you would still talk to me.

i desire a happier ending. please?

look on d brighter side. didn't you say i always don't understand you? you need someone who could understand you better. and im sure you'll find the person soon enough. love isn't enough in reality. isn't about how rich u are or nots. i loved you alot. but you and i both know, there need to be a connection and we have so very different thinkings.

you claimed that i broke your heart, but you'll probably get over me faster than i do, the first relationship is almost never forgettable, while the fifth probaby isn't. i believe. you'll always have that special place in my heart.

still, i hope i can do something to make up for everything.
and i want you to know, that deep down inside, i really realy treasured everything you've done for me and everything you've given me. memories and all.
if there's anything i can do to make things better, anything at all, please tell me.
i karn promise i'll be able to do it, but'll try my best.

thank you. for the beautiful dance.
brief, but beautiful.

2006-09-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

omygosh. this is super hilarious! go watch go watch!! :)

2006-09-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

i had a semblance of my voice back. :) yayness. at least now i crooked d songs. ive been wanting to sing so much!

*

my sista and i were hidding in d corner snacking on crispy seaweed (yummy tomyam flavour!) cus we are supposed to be abstaining from all these due to our coughs. we spot a spying mother raising her eyebrows at us. *sniggers. it feels good to feel like a little five-year-old kid again. :)

*

stupid occasional 11-hr fren has got me addicted to princess hours on youtube. arghs. hahs. he ought to be slapped.

*

i have this immense urge to go dancing everytime i hear a dance-able song. i karn wait for d a's to be over! and i shall enrol myself in new jazz dance classes. soon soon.

*

my attitude towards studying now is-i karn be bothered anymore. for the whole week i was sick i realized that one is nothing without health. i am happier with this attitude. not neccessarily good but at least i'll live longer.

*

his superficial words flowed past me, and im past caring. if it was meant to stir up any emotions at all, he's failed miserably.

*

i karn wait for prom! with the wacky 35-ers. yayness! :)

2006-09-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

damn. im friggin sick.
first a bout of coughs. den sore throat. den coughs. den terrible terrible running nose.den fever. den coughs plus running nose. and now fever again.
ive been taking and taking panadol cold relief.
and it mks me sleep like nobody's business. and i should be studying. *sighs.

i just read zhangzhao's blog. and omygosh. she has her own big car! and to think that just two years back we were mugging for our o's together. how time flies! i think she's doing really well in canada. and im happy for her really :)

now now. what have i done wrong again?

2006-08-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

im afraid.im really afraid.
for the first time in my life. ive lost d slightest confidence ive had.
looking back, i must have been a brilliant little girl. making it to em1, making it to SAP school, making it to pure sciences, making it to college. i wondered how i did it.
and after all these years ploughing into the books, im feeling this immense sense of exhaustion. physically, mentally, emtionally.
and all i want is a good long sleep.

and i know how silly it would be if i were to give up now but what am i do to, ive zero faith, zero confidence,zero motivation.
and i can no longer bluff myself that this would be d last of sufferings like i did for o's cus i know it isnt so.
and i was too ignorant, too naiive.

and then im so afraid of not living up to expectations.
cus sadly,it is not just about me.
you can say 'oh, why bother about people's expectations?'
because, you and i both know, in reality, it's not all about me.

ive always been the good girl that toe the line. and while d relatives at my dad's side had ambiguous lives i was d grandaughther that my grandparents could hold in their palms like a prized gift, every year, every chinese new year.i was the studious little girl that d long line of family members, tens and tens of them ask after every year. about my results and about my ambitions. and everytime it was as if my ambitions are put out onto display, discussed and rejected upon.
they wanted me to be much more.
and how am i supposed to make them see im nothing more than an average girl producing less than mediocre results.
and more recently, it has been my private life that is under the light, all d big aunties small aunties and uncles and whatsnots, i believe that whether im attached ornot is none of ur bigfat business.

my parents never dictates what i have to be, they leave me to be, simply because they think i'll always do well.
and i cringe at each time they use me as an example for my sista cus im really nothing.
and now my sista fails her CA again, it worries me, pains me. i dunwan her to have to go thru all ive been thru.
feeling nothing. nothing in the end.

if i die now, i'll only be semi-satisfied. not semi -happy. i noe u can ' choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad' (manday) but too bad. more often than not there are so many things that govern our choices.
and it is not all about me.

kenneth has been asking to study with him. everyday, without fail he'd ask. and ive been not doing do cus i jus came now with a flu bug (yes, amanday another innocent victim joining u in d flu bug battle). and i feel really bad for not going. and elks too and yt and ngxin and leehui..im sorry.i just karn study outside.. not like i can study at home too. but. oh wells.
oh..thankew nessa girl for ur encouraging words. really really.

i don't know what's happen to us. you said that ive eyes that speak. maybe it isn't such a good thing after all. eyes that betray me. it depends very much on what the person reads in them isn't it. and if u think u didn't like what you see, im sorry.

i need some time with myself. to straighten this damn life of mine. to love the people i should love, who love me.

2006-08-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

"combien tu m'aimes?"
he asked.
and what am i to say..
few steps too late...my friend.

study break. sucks.
i feel so indifferent. so unmotivated.
like ive this big fat inertia to not study. it sucks sucks sucks.

it wasn't like that when i was taking d o's.
damn. i feel angsty. like a little angsty kid.

uncle ken is scaring me. he practically kisses his physics practice book.
and really, who cares about d mass of saturn. hahs.

meeting up with yueting after a long while was really good and relaxing. just a good lunch and a talk with ur best fren is all you need sometimes.
i miss d good ol' times. loads.

if only of only i could live again. all over again.
i promise. it would never be like this.

2006-08-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

this was a horrible week.

mon was monday blues. and dreading geog remedial day.

tues was a terrible terrible long day with me spending like twelve hours in the hot hot hot school.

wed i was too tired and was having terrible tummy so i skipped morning and went to school for civics and d gp paper. which, i agree with sista, most people would not be in d mood to think anyways. and it was another day ending at 5 plus.

thurs was 2.4. so i got my a. not very good a but satisfied enough. and really really i have so many people to thank. thankew issac for taking my timing and stuff. and he looked so genuinely concern after my run. think i was too pale. but i was really okes. just quite breatheless. and i was okes even after i gave my position card and queued again to give manday's. den suddenly, when a grp of us were looking at the board i had this immense sharp pain in my tummy. and everything in front of me became a blurred. i really really am thankful for yokey, manday, zhu, mab and xiaoting for being there for me when i was in one of my weakest times and in a i-just-wana-flop-on-the-floor and die mood. they were so sweet lahs. sitting with me and helping me bring my bag from the gallery. and all d people who were so concerned too like shings and rach. i love 35. all d support and everything.it meant so much.and all d friends who asked after me..amanda leong..cheryl..mans. i am blessed. :)

fri is GOST test and econs test.busy busy week.

but it's over!! yayness. except that ive to be at nus early in the morn and that d stupid push prelims one week earlier thing totally ruin my friday mood. dammnit.

2006-08-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

i wana be dancing like every step, every gesture has a purpose. i wana be standing on the streets, watching the children play and laugh with them. i'll like to be smiling gleefully at babies, like i love life. i'll like to be reading the papers like every word, every story has its meaning. i'll like to jump into water puddles and look back thinking how silly i've been. i'll love to take a stroll in d drizzle thinking about nothing.i'll love to be tasting foods like i have all the time in d world to enjoy them.

i would like to live life like i mean it.
i need freedom.
i need to breathe.

but everything is just quick quick quick (quoting yt). get it over and done with. i karn wait for this tutorial to end. i karn wait for this school day to end. i karn wait to finish this page of notes.i karn wait for friday to come. i karn wait for prelims to end. i karn friggin wait for d damn a's to be over.

why is d damn a's so friggin more irritating den d o's.

i wish to be genuinely happy.
im this close - to breaking point.

2006-08-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

the fireworks by france was really really pretty. only that i had to squeeze with almost the whole singapore populace on d bridge and breathing into the hair of d lady in front of me. (she friggin gave me a scorn look when i asked her really really politely to move alittle into d space in front of her). how nice singaporeans are. and i karn move a tiny single inche without hitting anyone. when i politely said 'excuse me' another lady shouted 'you excuse also no use!' broken english+ broken attitude.

singaporeans aside, d fireworks are worth all d squeezing, really. and because i aren't very tall, i karn see d 'low' fireworks so rand had to carry me. hahs. yahs. i know. time for me to lose some weight. our original plan was to have me sitting on d shoulders, which would be more weight-less. but we didn't want to block d baby behind us. now that is nice singaporeans for you.

after which we went to circular rd's tcc (yayness. 2nd time dis week.hahs). and den sat at d singapore river to enjoy d very nice wind.

yesterday, went running with dad to train with him for his 10km competition. damn. it's like 4 days to my 2.4 and i was tired jus after running 2 km. no good. at all. at this rate my timing is damn bad. i believe age is catching up on me.

ive just been told by issac that im not usely my time wisely. uh-huhhs. issac telling me that.hais. i think, like him, i know i need to do something. but knowing and doing is just so different and im always so full of excuses to myself. why.

im so easily irritated these days. it's not good. im not even pms-ing.
im living on such a short fuse.

2006-08-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

i mus be the worst daughter. the worst girlfriend. the worst friend. the worst student anyone could have.

*

i feel darn bleak.
im sorry. i karn help it.

*

i must have been too ugly for you. for myself. and everyone else.

*

i didn't meant to yell. i didn't know why i did. im sorry. i really am. i ought to be nicer to everyone. i am blessed. i am.

2006-08-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

so i skipped the national day celebrations in college and slept way into the afternoon in all display of my patriotism. after which i met up with nessa and elks and we went to meet the 35ers. (ching, rach and manday) and pam teo and jenny at circular's tcc. i love that place. and since tcc is offering one-for-one desserts for card members, elks, nessa and me went quite high while indulging ourselves in choco-laden, tinged with alcohol and happiness filled desserts. yumms. and then we ended up at soup spoon and chatted for a while den everyone went ahead with appointments and stuffs.

i met up with rand. coveniently. like soup spoon was 10 steps from his office building. hahs. and we watched click.like elks predicted. i love it. cus i can really relate to it. i cried like alot. i mean..it made me realized some things. things that i have long forgotten and neglected. watch it if you haven't yahs..it think it's quite worth d money. laugh-able and cry-able.anws..we went to watch at suntec, for covenience sake but we found oursleves squeezing with a whole bucha crowd at cityhall. i swear, d whole citylink was so crowded. d station made a very funny annoncement "d station is flooding. if you are not boarding a train, please leave" smth like that. and i was laughing alot at d 'flooding' bit. so it turned out that there was fireworks display. which was a blessing and not. we managed to catch abit of it after d movie but not d full view cus was blocked by a hotel. anws. i really preferred to watch in dat location, in d nice open space with jus a few people and d night breeze in my face than squeezing with d whole s'pore populace. however. mans. you have seen how crowded citylink was after d fireworks. it was scary. people was flowing in from all exits. luckily we came a little earlier and grabbed seats from gelare for waffles.yayness. and d queue after that was out of gelare and so was tcc's. mans. i think half of singapore was out.to get away from d crowd in d station, after gelare, we went to walk at raffles city. more people! everyone was eating at d basement. (i love d new basement). so we gave up. d throngs of people made us head-achy. in end we had to take d train to redhill and travel back again. really. it was impossible to get up d train even hours after d fireworks.

ohh. and so happy birthday singapore!
and happy birthday nessa! (glad u love d prezie :) )
and a very happy one to ivan too! :)
and happy birthday to mab too! *hugs
and happy happy belated birthday to prisy!

*

i would love to have something i could believe in.
anything.

2006-08-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

i thought it was possible.

i thought i could juggle everything.

family.friends.boyfriend.academics.activities.myself.

im so wrong.
i overstimate myself.
too badly. too much.

*

clara just told me ive done d wrong desert essay. it's nice of her to tell me d mistake..but..yucks. ive to do another essay. which just sucks. and im going out later. plus im using d comp now with no intention to move.so no hoorays to d added work.

weekends are almost ending and ive just welcomed it with open arms. damn. my life is so pathetic yearning and yearning for the weekends to come each week. i feel as if i really couldn't take another school day.
the worse it gets. the worse it gets. (isn't roy getting to all of us?)

so friday,after lit make up, me and manday and issac went to cut our hair instead. cus nessa had a movie to catch and we weren't in time to go tcc-ing,sadly. and latas tingxi, ivan and their art friend met up with us. and we rotted, chatted and treated ourselevs to nice pastries,pies,cakes and whatnots at cedele at frankel avenue. it's a really nice place with pretty bakeries and cosy places (like cedele) to spend a cosy evening with friends. and latas i parted with them to meet rand to specially deliver to him very yummy banana walnut cake.

anws. a degression. i was at d bustop when these two boys were contemplating on getting my number. im not being al-mighty here thinking im very fine and stuff. but i am d only person at d bus-stop. and they reprimanded each other in mandarin for not approaching me when i went up d bus. the main point is, im insulted can. they are secondary school boys. and i mus be at least 3 years older than them. enough to be their jiejie. arghs. tell me i am more mature then it seems please.

*

the two of us were jus walking and talking. two very simple actions. he was nudging me cus he wanted to show me smth. a very very simple action. and then she, behind us, went " you two should just get a room". i hope she's not being serious..cus that comment is quite bad. i don't know why we give people the idea that we're very close. im really closer to my girlfriends.

*

i don't know why things are turning out this way. why mus we be in disagreement every week? i don't know how to make you understand or explain it to you. i karn emphasize enough that i do care. and care alot. there are many many many things i want to tell you, ask you. but i know your temperamental behaviours won't allow it. sometimes, i don't know how to say stuffs cus i don't know how u'll react. im very very afraid cus your mood swings faster then a pendulum.so i keep things to myself. as much as i would like to share them wih you. and then i was told i should never keep anything to myself. but what am i to do when you get upset over things i say? and overtime, things just get shut in. i don't know why and i don't know how. but im learning to open myself up again. im trying. sometimes, you leave me so helpless, i don't know what to do, who to turn to. i thought you'll know, i thought you'll understand. but im just too complacent it seems. baby, you don't know how much i care. believe me please.

*

i think im going to collapse anytime. just take all away, everything.
and if i fall, would someone catch me?

2006-07-30T04:26:00.000-07:00

my life is in a friggin mess.

so much so dat ive turned to escapism. i wana just sleep and sleep and sleep so that i don't have to wake up and face the realities.

d tears karn stop flowing. damnit.yahs. call me a crybaby. why don't you. i jus wana be a baby again.

2006-07-13T02:53:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS!

from a long long time back till now :)

last friday was outing with besties shurong, pei, ngxin an krys. and im really really happy cus we've not met up and laughed like this for d longest time. i miss all of u!

my dearies dajie and krys d sweet eighteens people. and yes we had d milkshakes and TWO DARK DEVOTIONS. yumms! and a bread pudding to boot. and these are only desserts. and yes. it's d non-birthday people's treat for d happy birthday girls.

manday and i were showing our utmost support for our favourite teams. need i say more? :) germany! yayness.

the buncha of us making use of the full-length mirrors at holland v. and putting them to good use :) i love 'em!

sista,me and ivan and my yummy baked rice!

i met up with the dearies at nydc, holland v. on d youth day holiday. say i got great camera skills? :pP i love this picture. everyone looks as if d a's are over!

the leo forum during d june holidays in johor, the zon hotel. and this is d retro night. and we really were fed like pigs for those days.hahs.

look look! a basketballer's hand cannot be compared to my teeny hand. nahhs. :) did you really see a difference? i think it was just imagination. :pP

i love sticking out my tongue at you. :pP

i love 'em. and what makes them more treasurable is that you have to put in 3 bucks to turn the machine to get d kitties out (d japanese ball machines thingies). so it isn't like you'll get d kitties at first try. plus that particular machine is always out of stock. plus we got each other d kitty without d knowlege of d other :) but my kitty is limping now.(not as healthy as this picture). cus ppl thinks it's a nice squeezy toy :( nahhs. it's okes. still cute :)

madi gras! we looked very very very happy ! -big hugggs-

madi gras too. and we looked innocently, spastically happy. hahs.

i love d pretty pretty roses. :)

it just brightens a sad face instantly!

thankew baby, for everything :)

spot me in d special feature! walking down d aisle was scary scary. hahs.

me and cuzie at chijmes. and i ate like a pig with no care of my 'wonderful' image. hahs.

kuantan trip! :) 35ers! we looked so adventurous or something something.

i love this sunrise piture. loadds. really really. we looked innocently blessed. somehow. =pP hehs. and d pretty pretty sky! thats for waking up early ! :)

twilight! my twilight looks like yokey's twilight except that hers is prettier with all the coconut trees at closer distance. still, i love this picture. baby, i wana enter this into d bala's competition. i took this myself! tell him to change d stupid rule lahhs. :Pp

and 35ers simply love jumping shots. we were laughing so hard, so much and jumping so much, so high that i was sure dinner was topsy turvy in d tummy. i love jumping with them so much so much, esp with d nice evening sea breeze. :) it felt as if freedom is so with us.

uh-huhhs. so there's d pictures here and there. alotalot more but photobucket is really slow and im really lazy. hehs. anws. i know this is abit lag but i wana blog abt world cup! for keepsake you know :)

i still love germany. nvms that italy broke their hearts in d semi-finals. they won portugal 3-1 in the 3rd/4th placing. and im so proud of them! last sat met with rand to watch the match at fong korkor's house. we watched animes and took a nap before d match started. and when d match officially started, i was really watching by myself with the two guys sound awake. hitting fong with cushions didn't wake him up enough and rand only wakes up whenever i shouted 'goal!' in excitement. hahs. really kuku lahhs. anws. i enjoyed the match cus d 2nd half was like four goals! so exciting and nice. and i really laughed at the way d japanese referee chose to ignore d ronaldo and gang's diving tricks. yayness :)

and d next day, watched d finals with daddy and mummy. uh-huhhs. d most talk-about is zidane head-butting and getting himself a red card. mans. i still think he played really well and he's charming too :) anws. italy won france and got d world cup. i wasn't exactly supporting either of the countries. so yahs. but the penalty shoot-out was exciting. and despite italy beating my germans in d semis, i think that their penalties were really pretty shots.

so d world cup is over and im kinda getting d post-world cup depression. plus d sucky-results distress-ion. it sucks. but i guess ive to be glad that im not having tea with d principal and count my blessings.

okes. am ending d post soon. am fringgin tired today. wassup with d pe-teachers huhs. we had like swimming for pe last term (which i poned for almost all) so where do they expect out staminas to pop up from? not forgetting the june holidays plus d exam weeks. plus last thurs was raining nd all we did was stretching stuffs at d dance studio. today was like hellish training. if strong sista is writing abt this in her blog, i really think they should think abt their rate of 'SLOWLY increasing the intensity' i think they misunderstood slowly.

thankew for all d nice nice kuehs at ur house today manday :)

2006-07-02T02:38:00.000-07:00

quarter finals matches are way way hilarious and exciting.

and can i just scream..GERMANY won!! I KNEW THEY WOULD. and d argentina team was pushing and shoving their own team mates around at d end such that d germans have to intevene. quoting the commetator ' it's such a disgrace!' anyhows, watching football with daddy and mummy in d comfy bedroom is really nice and cosy cus mummy is way over-excited and daddy is jus way too calm. nvms that he lost his bets. again. hahas.

saturday night was just me and baby. we wanted to go watch d musical fountain. or rather i wanted to.ended up all d way at habour front only to realise we're too late for d musical fountain. anws. he treated me to a really really nice dinner at harbourfront and that makes up for all d fountain-missing and tummy-crammings. :)

and then in all sudden decision we ended up watching just my luck in tiong bahru. funny, nice and sweet. :)

and den what do u know. d girlfriend is a football watcher and so drags the boyfriend to watch the england and portugal match. we ended up at boat quay. two psuedo sentosa go-ers. me in my three-quarts mango blouse and demin shorts and havaianas SLIPPERS. him in his vietnam-supporting shirt, one-third quarts (whatever u call it) pants and SLIPPERS. but monty bar accepted us with open arms even though i look like some 15 year old kid.

cos of d movie we were only der at d second half and d only seat left at d whole 2-floors bar was a one-seater sofa sit. and a few steps away from d monty bar, an english bar was PACKED. and i really mean packed. anws. the people at monty were hilarious. english and portugese fans divided but in all excitement, still fun. so much screaming, shouting and betting that within 10 mins i was abt to roll off the sofa and was shouting ' d people here are hilarious!' and im amazed at the speeds people use d washrooms during the match. it's like less than a min per user such that everyone gets to use d washroom before d match starts in another 5 mins. im amazed. if they could only do that in d shopping malls.

so the match ended with many sad faces at boat quay. so many white jerseys and so many sad faces. personally, i was supporting england cus it is eriksson's retiring match and i think it sad if he karn see england even pass the quarters . sorry ngxin and ur ronaldo (cus i really dun think he is good looking). not a big big fan though unlike this englishman who looked ready to burst into tears in his english jersey. poor thing.

and then brazil-france match was watched in between coffeshop downstairs and bedroom upstairs. france won. my gosh. and dad lost his bet. hahs. and im really sorry ken for asking u to bet on brazil when u asked. then again, d ball is round. poor manday.somehow she immediately came into my mind when d match ended.we still love u!

d germany and italy match is freaking 3am on wed. well done. why do jcs-goers have to freaking wake up at 6 am. it's not fair. im suporting my dear germany anyhow.

and thankew so much for everything everthing yesterday. sorry for make u disappointed.really really. loves.

2006-06-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

YAYNESS. the jcts are over!! am a free person. for now.

i really karn bear to think about the results. yucks.

my mind seems to be thinking about alot of things these days. anything but what i should be thinking about on my jcts.
i suddenly felt very blessed. hahas. stupid but yahs.
i really really love the people around me. my family, friends and dearest baby. thankew for everything. :)

argentina is playing germany tomorrow!and im so rooting for germany. hahas. mab, d reason i dunwan argentina to play with germany is not d same as u leis. argentina keeps falling down at incredible rates and some falls are so unreal dat that i want to scream at d referee's unfairness. their match with mexico was so full of falling downs dat i was almost cringing by 430am and they had to go into extra time.hahs.

it's post exams syndrome coming up.
first is a whole day's of sleep for tomorrow cus my tummy is so damn damn painful i feel like wrenching it out plus im really tired from d lack of sleep so i just wana stay home and sleep like a pig..sorry vic.. ichiban another day okes. and mango sales! really sorry ken too.not in outing mood tmr. soon okesokes :)
and sat is sentosa day with rand!
sun is family outing day+dance at ymca+ nessa's church (if they all dun clash cus ive promised girl for a long time.im really very sorry.)
mon is youth day holiday! and it's cheesecake day with rueben+holland v. with 35-ers maybemaybe?
and next sat is birthday celebrations with rong, krys, pr and ngxin!yays!
and date with dear yueting not yet fixed.
and elks, where's my tcc date hurhurhurs?
and ivan too! ur 1 plus am call to say to go tcc and mug? hahs. i wana go there and indulge!
i love talking to shurong and yueting.
i love my friends. :)

2006-06-23T05:58:00.000-07:00

my gosh. im damn slack now since my most hated phys geog is over. not like i wasn't slack enough in d first place.

hahs. phys geog was digusting. i didn't do one whole essay. except for abt 2 sentences. yucks.and d rest was just a load of crap. but thanks to the wonderful 35 i didn't feel sad after d paper. everyone was just laughing away at manday's ' on a recent trip to m'sia...' hahs.girl, u're so cute lahs! :)

i hafen touched a teeny wee bit of lit and geog. really really. and just a wee bit of econs touched. so screwed lahhs. totally wasted my time on hardy's 1912-1913 poems when he came out some nature thingie. eews. hahas. quoting navleeen, who'll have thought it's so repetitive.

anws. rantings aside, world cup fever is here :) and im with germany! yayness.daddy came back from US and realise that i'll cable thingie can receive m'sia channels and d scv is working for duno what reasons. so while at first i thought i wouldn't be able to watch d world cup until some semi-finals now all tee-vees can play it very clearly and 2 channels to choose from too! :) im a happy girl.hehs.

daddy's brought SO much chocs from us dat i think it'll last a lifetime.hahs. and levi's is so freaking cheap there. im so envious. except dat mine is children's size cus adults' are freaking huge sizes but i could hardly squeeze into it.

i karn wait for jcts to be over. hang on ppl. it'll be over soon. :)

---*im still on your side*---

---im still on your side---